Be Careful of What You Say and How You Say It

Amazing to have learned something new about myself. Not amazing that I learned, but what I learned. Amazing that I'd never heard it before, yet there have been plenty of opportunities for others to have communicated as such.

You see, it is all about communication. What we hear, process, read not only informs us, it changes us. Changes us to subsequently speak differently; speak with more knowledge.

In my case - and in my opinion - speaking is one of my character strengths. I'm not just talking about the ability to speak, but more of the ability to speak effectively. So effectively that others hear me, pay attention, and even learn from me.

Naturally, that's very self-serving. For knowing that others are listening, I have a lifetime of manipulating those who are listening. So this week I learned some of the examples of my manipulations. And I learned I have been completely unconscious of those manipulations much of the time.

My natural speaking style today is one full of confidence, conviction, and authority. Most people apparently react to my speaking style initially accepting what I say because of how I say it. Its only when the know me well enough, or know the subject matter well enough, that there is feedback or (arrgh) a difference of opinion.

My unconscious self has usually reacted to contrary feedback with an assumption that the other person(s) simply didn't hear me properly or didn't understand what I just said. And so, I would repeat myself, paying no attention to the reality that I might be wrong; my repeat effort would basically say the same thing, just say it differently - again, assuming the other(s) are at fault for not agreeing with me.

But herein lies the new challenge; this new reality almost suggests to me that I "dumb down" my speaking style, so as not to be so confident, convicted, and authoritarian. In fact, it was suggested that I learn to speak about myself differently, with more humility, using different voice tones, vocabulary, and other vocal techniques which are completely different from those I would use if I were, for example, expounding on an element of technology, or music, or sports.

When having an intimate and personal conversation, the suggestion is that I change for the sake of the person(s) I'm speaking with, not for myself. Doing so would allow them, and in fact, cause them, to react differently to what it is I am saying. Instead of just wading through the words and phrases as they always have been, overshadowed by "Mark being Mark", they would instead realize instantly "wow, this is different", and not be overshadowed at all, instead relating directly to the words and phrases.

For example, if I use my normal speaking style, and say a phrase like "I am feeling a bit depressed today, largely because there are so many things in my life which are beyond my control" - the individual might react to this with immediate concern; my conviction and confidence in my voice generates a "factual representation" of my inner self, and might cause the individual to immediately show great concern. Or, if they really know me, they might think "wow, there he goes again, completely lost in himself".

But let's say that I were to utter this same phrase differently; lower my voice in volume and pitch, speak slowly, enunciate and stress the key words "feeling", "depresssed" and the phrases "so many" and "beyond my control". then the listener might immediately realize "wow, this is different", and react and respond very differently - probably with significant concern and a desire to want to dig deeper.

BUT - this is not easy in any way. My current speaking style is so natural for me, so practices and polished and "the real me" - and to intentionally try to speak differently is extremely difficult. For while I might utter the initial sentence with a different style, the subsequent conversation would return my natural speaking style and voice.

So, in many ways and situations, the lesson learned in all of this is to not speak at all, and just listen. In particular, this seems appropriate when I am responding to something someone else has said; instead of speaking with confidence and conviction and authority, saying nothing could have a better impact. The challenge then becomes simply knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when to open it, and not so much how to use my voice.