PortaWop Logic

Simplicity

2009-09-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

The simplest of phrases carry the greatest impact. Truly cements the premise that I over-think virtually everything, unable to process life with clarity until its broken down to the easiest understood terms and principles. I am incredibly grateful for God putting me right where I need to be at this moment in time (immediately and for the past 6+ months) and for the people he puts into my life; people who so freely share their experiences and perspective, which I now interpret as pure wisdom, meant for me to use and to carry to others.

"Do more to get more or better results." Takes the definition of insanity to a more meaningful level; I can't keep doing the same things if I want different results If I want to be better, if I want to have more, if I want to get well, I cannot keep doing just what I've been doing (though that does achieve a definite purpose); instead, I must be willing to take broader and deeper and different directions & steps, as directed by God and His servants. For if I am left to decide when, where, what and how to decide, I most assuredly will misstep, as my lifetime of missteps will attest. Not that I am incapable of good decisions, but that if left solely to my own devices, I must surely will not be where I want to be, nor where I need to be, nor where I "should" be.

"God is not Santa Claus". Experiencing "Santa", and the act of giving & receiving freely (in whatever form or concept), is all about "things" (gifts), without expectations or (typically) the need to earn the right to give or receive the "thing". For many, the act of giving is more important than the joy of receiving. God absolutely does not work this way; I must learn to ask Him for whatever He chooses to bestow upon me (or take away from me), and I am very much accountable for what He gives or takes away. I must be willing to change to meet His expectations for living a "good" life, and in many respects earn the right to receive His blessings. But not always; I must also become conscious of and gracious when He simply bestows a gift on me without my asking for it or even earning it. His involvement in my life is based purely on my interaction with Him, and not just Him "being there" to pop in and out whenever He so chooses. The more I interact with Him, the more I am able to receive His gifts and experience His grace. I have never prayed to Santa Claus - but I most certainly pray to God, and not just because of my wants or needs.

My ego, so prevalent in my life for decades, and so dictatorial over my personality and mannerisms, has been typically thought of in reference to the quality of my self-centered nature. But it is not just the extent to which I think of myself first and foremost; it is also the frequency. If I am able to realize how often my nature is to put myself first - as in, "what's in it for me?" - then perhaps I can reduce this tendency, and the extent and depth of my self-absorbed lifestyle will change accordingly. I can achieve this through service to others, as frequently as possible; the more I focus on others and doing for others and for the benefit of others - and do so without wanting the spotlight or accolades or recognition - then the less likely I am to be focused on myself, which means I can alter my behavior and personality simply by doing, and acting "as if" I have learned to be that way naturally. Over time, I hopefully will become natural in this mindset, and my ego-driven nature will reduce substantially. This concept of service goes far beyond my immediate family and friends (though certainly I can put a priority on them); the concept of service extends to all of God's creatures - mankind and animals, the earth and society, my community and my fellowships. It simply ain't all about me.

Lastly, heard this last night, which was amazingly profound for me, largely due to its simplicity:

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life...

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside of me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf is evil -- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

The children thought about it in silence for a while, and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied: "The one you feed".

Simplicity can be so significant; in an instant, the light comes on and burns brightly, unfiltered by depth and breadth of related but confusing tangents......

Education Myself - the Perfect Job

2009-09-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a "free" 90-minute seminar on Internet Marketing. Ok, so it didn't cost me, I got a free lunch (tasteless turkey sandwich and pathetic excuse for potato salad), and a free MP3 player (which is REALLY why I went).

However, I did learn something. The power of marketing. Not Internet Marketing, though I did learn some things to round out my superficial knowledge on this topic. No, more about marketing pizazz, showmanship, and how to work a room. And now I've spent $48 to attend another seminar about Internet Marketing, to be held in a few weeks; an event which promises to educate me further and deeper into a topic I am desperate to know more about.

I realize that there is only one likely way to make serious money for me - something to do with the Internet. I've dabbled with websites for over a decade now, building 'em, destroying them, and assisting others in doing the same. In the process, I've learned quite a bit - especially about what I still don't know, like Internet Marketing. I've got the books, seen the videos, read the e-zines, and more - yet I just don't "know" what I need or want to know. Well, today I got the kick in the pants I needed to get to where I want to be. The secret - "just do it". Nike has it right.

So, I've now a mind to resurrect some business ideas brought forth from the minds of those I care deeply about. Ideas which started, paused, started again, and then stopped. Domain names that just expired. Website hosting that also expired. But, all the source info was retained, and now its time to consider bringing it all back. Stay tuned for more on that.

Changing horses to a more personal topic: Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. For the 2nd time. First marriage went 15 years. Second marriage when 2+. This one is completely up to God in terms of moving forward or ending. While communications between us remain more than decent - in fact, amazingly good for topics such as kids and finances - we just don't talk about "us". Which is probably a good thing. All she has said to me is that she's not yet ready to resume counseling together. So I will continue my own path, and pray and hope for the best, as well as do my best to support her and the boys, and keep the boys first and foremost at all times.

I am grateful for this life, in spite of its trials and tribulations, for there are so many blessings. Time is one of them; I am grateful to have the time to think and grow and get well and work on my character defects, praying for God to remove them as he sees fit. Now, if in this same time, I can create those "engines of income", then one huge pressure will be relieved......

Life begins at....uh...40? 50?

2009-09-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

This came to me in email today - profoundly impacting to me; my reaction follows. I'll possibly make this my next blog posting, but am sharing this with you all now, for many of you are from my generation, and some know me well enough to relate to this and my viewpoints.

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A French proverb says, "Forty is the old age of youth and fifty is the youth of old age." So according to the French, I am still a young person, relatively speaking.

However, my wife and I went to a movie theater the other day, where I noticed they give discounts to seniors. So I asked for one regular and one senior admission, expecting to be questioned about it. But without any hesitation, the young employee just gave me my ticket.

I am at a point in my life called "middle age," which I wouldn't mind so much if I only knew a few more 100-year-olds. When you are middle-aged, you begin to wonder who put the quicksand in the hourglass of time, because your days, months, and years go by so quickly.

So let me ask you, what story is your life telling? My story is a simple one: God can take a mess of a life with the deck stacked against it and redeem it. That is my story. What is yours? We all have a story to tell. And we all need to take stock of our lives and ask, "What is my life all about? What is the legacy that I will leave? How will I be remembered?"

It is really important to not only think of this as you are getting older, but it is also crucial to think about when you are young, because that is when you are charting the course your life will take. That is when you are developing habits and making decisions like the career path you will follow and the person you will marry.

You will decide the evening of your life by the morning of it, or the end by the beginning. So make the right choices.

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I don't know if this is really pertinent to me - or any of you - or not. For my life seems to have been not one book with chapters, but literally different books. Chronologically, I would say my books are:
- 0-17
- 17-38
- 38-53
- after 53

I say this because each segment has unique and distinct stories, each with a basis all its own. Certainly, many fundamentals learned in childhood and adolesence are still present, it is very much segmented into distinct values, actions, motivations and realities.

I believe I have shelved the idea of leaving a legacy, for that tends to be feeding my pride and ego, and fostering an artificial intention to be something positive in the minds of others (instead of just for God). In the human experience; the closest I can come to being focused on that is trying to teach my sons some of what it took me decades to learn. In some cases, very adult themes and concepts; in other cases, basics of living a good and proper life as God would want it.

I also believe it is never too late to chart a new course, create new habits, make decisions differently from a perspective that is new, and conduct a life and lead a lifestyle that is more akin to what God would want, as opposed to what I might want.

- Attitudes of gratitude, combined with new and good habits, become "Habitudes" (Google that to see what a teacher has done with it). My glass has always been more than half-full. I have been improperly motivated to fill it to overflowing, which has caused many a spill-over affect time and again.l

- Reduce, and if possible, stop altogether, being a complainer; instead, openly appreciate all that I have and all that is right in the world, and not focus on what I don't have or what is not going right in the world. And then take whatever steps I can to improve something that's wrong in the world; even if its not going to make a bit of difference to me or benefit me in any way, I will feel good inside for having contributed something in whatever way I can.

- Learning the full impact that God gave us two ears, two eyes, and one mouth, and to start using them proportionately (talk only 20% of the time). My life has been far too much about telling everyone whatever it was I thought was important for them to hear, and I time for me to shut up and listen - really listen. Yet, I realize that I now talk a lot through my fingertips, so I wonder how that factor's into this communication strategy?

Your thoughts?

An Attittude of Gratitude

2009-08-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have heard many, many times in the last few decades, the admonition to develop an Attitude of Gratitude. This simple and easily remembered phrase is based on the simple notion that my glass is really half-full, not half-empty, and that there is much more in life to be thankful about than there is to complain about. Well, that simple phrase just took an exponential quantum leap in importance for me.....

I just read about the 21-day challenge, developed by Reverend Will Bowen. And while there is certainly religious and spiritual overtones and purpose behind the challenge, there is something completely human about it as well. The 21-day challenge of Reverend Bowen asks humans to simply stop complaining for 21 consecutive days.
Scientists and psychologists have long held that it takes the human mind (and body) 21 days to change, or create, a habit. I would expect, and the testimonies bear this out, that our human society in America (and most of the developed world) will take more than 21 days of non-complaining. In fact, results would say that it takes most folks 4-8 months to not complain for 21 consecutive days.

Most people will say that complaining is a normal human function. Reverend Bowen says: "Complaining should happen frequently; criticism and gossip, never. If we are honest with ourselves, life events that lead us to legitimately complain are exceedingly rare. To be a happy person who has mastered your thoughts and has begun creating your life by design, you need a very high threshold of what leads you to express grief, pain and discontent."

The premise is simply this: we are what we think. If we think frequently and freely in the negative, complaining openly (verbally or in writing, as in via emails), then we become negative, both in our own subconscious and in the minds of others. If that's true, then the opposite is true as well; if we become positive and express our positive thoughts, then we become positive.

Personally, I would think mankind would much prefer to be positive, and to think that we view ourselves and that others view us as positive. I would much prefer to think consistently with gratitude and appreciation and not with criticism and a "woe is me" belief system. And so, I'm taking the challenge, hoping to continue my personal transformation which seems to have been the purpose for 2009.

For more info, check out: http://acomplaintfreeworld.org/

Note: I could have written "oodles" about recent examples of me, and others, complaining, just to drive the point home. Instead, I think I'm learning to be a bit more brief in my writings - and my verbosity - which should yield less complaints!

Be Careful of What You Say and How You Say It

2009-08-22T07:28:00.001-07:00

Amazing to have learned something new about myself. Not amazing that I learned, but what I learned. Amazing that I'd never heard it before, yet there have been plenty of opportunities for others to have communicated as such.

You see, it is all about communication. What we hear, process, read not only informs us, it changes us. Changes us to subsequently speak differently; speak with more knowledge.

In my case - and in my opinion - speaking is one of my character strengths. I'm not just talking about the ability to speak, but more of the ability to speak effectively. So effectively that others hear me, pay attention, and even learn from me.

Naturally, that's very self-serving. For knowing that others are listening, I have a lifetime of manipulating those who are listening. So this week I learned some of the examples of my manipulations. And I learned I have been completely unconscious of those manipulations much of the time.

My natural speaking style today is one full of confidence, conviction, and authority. Most people apparently react to my speaking style initially accepting what I say because of how I say it. Its only when the know me well enough, or know the subject matter well enough, that there is feedback or (arrgh) a difference of opinion.

My unconscious self has usually reacted to contrary feedback with an assumption that the other person(s) simply didn't hear me properly or didn't understand what I just said. And so, I would repeat myself, paying no attention to the reality that I might be wrong; my repeat effort would basically say the same thing, just say it differently - again, assuming the other(s) are at fault for not agreeing with me.

But herein lies the new challenge; this new reality almost suggests to me that I "dumb down" my speaking style, so as not to be so confident, convicted, and authoritarian. In fact, it was suggested that I learn to speak about myself differently, with more humility, using different voice tones, vocabulary, and other vocal techniques which are completely different from those I would use if I were, for example, expounding on an element of technology, or music, or sports.

When having an intimate and personal conversation, the suggestion is that I change for the sake of the person(s) I'm speaking with, not for myself. Doing so would allow them, and in fact, cause them, to react differently to what it is I am saying. Instead of just wading through the words and phrases as they always have been, overshadowed by "Mark being Mark", they would instead realize instantly "wow, this is different", and not be overshadowed at all, instead relating directly to the words and phrases.

For example, if I use my normal speaking style, and say a phrase like "I am feeling a bit depressed today, largely because there are so many things in my life which are beyond my control" - the individual might react to this with immediate concern; my conviction and confidence in my voice generates a "factual representation" of my inner self, and might cause the individual to immediately show great concern. Or, if they really know me, they might think "wow, there he goes again, completely lost in himself".

But let's say that I were to utter this same phrase differently; lower my voice in volume and pitch, speak slowly, enunciate and stress the key words "feeling", "depresssed" and the phrases "so many" and "beyond my control". then the listener might immediately realize "wow, this is different", and react and respond very differently - probably with significant concern and a desire to want to dig deeper.

BUT - this is not easy in any way. My current speaking style is so natural for me, so practices and polished and "the real me" - and to intentionally try to speak differently is extremely difficult. For while I might utter the initial sentence with a different style, the subsequent conversation would return my natural speaking style and voice.

So, in many ways and situations, the lesson learned in all of this is to not speak at all, and just listen. In particular, this seems appropriate when I am responding to something someone else has said; instead of speaking with confidence and conviction and authority, saying nothing could have a better impact. The challenge then becomes simply knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when to open it, and not so much how to use my voice.

No Regrets?

2009-08-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

We all want the life that allows us, typically on our death bed, to experience a sense of "no regrets". This feeling is what drives many people, while others haven't a clue about this as an end goal. To me, the sense of feeling no regrets is not literal, but more general; I would want to feel a life of minimal regrets, far overshadowed by feelings of satisfaction attained in a variety of ways.

As humans, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes we learn from, while other mistakes are repeated continuously, usually in different forms, so as to mask the reality of repetition. For example, as a child, we learn through more than one method; while one might be told something, and might even see something, it was only when that something is experienced that it is truly learned. Probably the best example is extremes of heat - like fire; a child can be told it will hurt if you touch it, and might even see something burn, but until the fingers are singed, there is no real knowledge that takes place. In other words, it has to hurt to sink in.

Eventually, many lessons in life don't require the experiential factor to be accepted by the human mind. We learn "things" in classrooms throughout our early lives, and learn to judge credibility and importance not only by the "thing" that is being taught, but by who is doing the teaching. The brightness of the light bulbs that go on in our heads is directly proportional to the person flipping the switch. My best learning was done through teachers who motivated me, usually because they made light bulbs of awareness and significance go off, and I then craved more and paid more attention.

Not to be an expert on this subject, but certainly there is logic for me in this as I review my life and its learning experiences. When I have been motivated to learn, when I have been inspired by a teacher, and definitely when I have a goal in mind which is dependent on learning, then I learn. This reality for me is so clear today as I reflect back on my life, and has manifested itself in so many ways - technology, relationships and my spiritual life are all very real examples to me. Yet, I have regrets……

Technology is so significant in my lifetime; the world is so different today than in my youth, and I have become not only a user of technology, but also a proponent, one who has sold it, installed it, taught others about it, and put it into practice to make the lives of others (mostly businesses) better because of it. My regrets are small, usually because that I have not done "enough"; not enough formal education or depth of knowledge, not enough breadth of knowledge, not enough applying the knowledge, not enough managing the knowledge. But I can offset the regrets easily, because there is no doubt I have many successes in my personal and professional life - including the knowledge of the computer and software I'm using at this very moment.

Relationships are a challenge to balance in the regret-satisfaction scale. I have had many, and not just the heterosexual ones. My friendships with men have been so significant, the brotherhood I've developed with a select few have become increasingly important and meaningful and satisfying. The intimate relationships with women, while plentiful (and I say that not in a boastful manner, but in one which is genuinely satisfying), have been ones which some would say have been more painful than necessary. Two failed marriages are offset by one which produced two incredible sons. Occasional one-night stands are offset by occasional multi-month relationships. And most importantly, interludes for purely sexual sake are offset by relationships which had no sex at all. Yet, there are certainly regrets for failures, for hurting others, for being so self-centered. These regrets evolve into guilt and remorse easily, and which are now a source of dilemma - for I wish to make amends as best I can.

My spiritual walk is one which is not so focused on regrets, as much as it is in gratitude. I know my God today. And that knowledge far outweighs any elements of depth or breadth or duration or significance or results. That He is with me, and always has been is a tremendous source of strength and hope. That I acknowledge Him with prayers - for certain, prayers of thankfulness for this incredibly rich and abundant life I lead - is very rewarding. I have not (yet) allowed myself to routinely pray for guidance, solutions, or anything else is tied directly to my feelings of unworthiness, for I realize I have not been the best I could be in His eyes, nor in mine, nor (I believe) in the minds of others. I have not yet come to believe fully that He accepts me as I am - warts and all, as my mother taught me at an early age; I know that He looks at me as a work in progress. I am starting to get comfortable with the idea that He is happy and satisfied that I am finally focused on continually improving myself, trying to remove my spiritual maladies and character defects. And if He's happy, then I suppose I should also be happy. So my regrets for "not enough" - not soon enough, not consistently enough, not strongly enough, etc. - are starting to be overcome by "finally" - at long last, I'm getting there, trying hard, consistent in my walk, and desperate and intentional on doing it this way until my last breadth.

So why am I writing this - now, or at all? I read something this morning, and it motivated me to think, which motivated me to share. In Alexander Green's "The Secret of Shelter Island", there's a short chapter on the Bucket List - creating your list of things to do before you kick the bucket. I've never done this before, but intend to do so now, and will share my bucket list in a future blog. But for now, it all ties to this theme of "no regrets"; for while I have not formally achieved or attained those items on my yet-to-be-written bucket list, it is very easy for me to look at my life and be satisfied by all that I have achieved and attained and experienced. I have indeed lived - lived a life of abundance and richness. The chapter refers to the meaning of "success", which people far more intelligent than I have tried to define for centuries. I come away from this chapter believing fully that "success" is a matter of opinion; one can be satisfied in their successes of life, or one can be dissatisfied for any number of reasons. I believe I will live the rest of my life trying to achieve this tilting of the scales more towards satisfaction than towards regret. I will never achieve the "no regrets" goal - for I already have them and always will; but I will work in earnest and consciously to minimize any new regrets.

The Roller Coaster of Life

2009-08-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Simply put, I have (like many) always loved roller coasters. Admittedly, my love in my younger years was for the ride itself. My fascination today is related to technology, and how the older all-wood structures have given way to the new metal composite contraptions which stretch the body and the mind in so many physical and emotional manners.

The roller coaster of life, however, is something entirely different, yet parallels the physical and emotional thrills of the tangible products found at amusement parks and beaches these days. You get on sometime when your body and brain begin to function together, typically when you start crawling. And then you just strap in and hang on for a while. Eventually, you get to points where you think you can get off and rest, but the ride is simply cruising at that moment, and you ain't gotten out at all - and certainly can't walk away from it.

It matters not where you sit on this ride; many think being in the front gives you an element of control or prestige. Others think that being in the back gives you the most extremes of being whipped around with no control at all. And others think the middle of the pack is best because you are just "there", hanging on for dear life while nobody can see you doing it.

But its the thrill of the ride (chase?) that keeps us in our seats. We look up and either freak out or smile widely as we climb to the highest of highs. Then, we look down and either freak out or scream loudly or semi-pass out as fall with breakneck speed to the lowest of the lows. All the while, we hope like hell nothing is forever, and that each high and low shall indeed pass.

For me, I simply hang on for dear life. I don't really know what's coming next - a mountain to climb to get to a new high, a fall from grace to a new low and depth never before encountered, a twist, a turn, an upside down spin with complete loss of control - and perhaps its the not knowing that makes the ride fun (at least some of the time). I relish those moments of semi-calm when I can see what's coming next - but I also relish the surprises of things I don't see coming.

My sister told me this year "you can't see around corners". This wisdom as served me well, for it got me to stop trying to plan my life so explicitly and with every little nuance and potential and probability and.......well, I stopped planning. For planning in such a detailed way simply brings to the forefront my fears, and results in expectations which are usually not met in any way, and therefore disappointments. Without the planning, my life has unexpected joys in abundance, and a major reduction in fear and an emphasis on faith. For I can now believe that if I just hang on, "this, too, shall pass" - where it be joy or sorrow, happiness or disappointment, love or loneliness.

I take this metaphor to extremes at times. My harness that keeps me in my seat is probably my family. Certainly, my sons are an element of safety for me, keeping me mostly on the straight and narrow. Yes, the boys are also a concern and a responsibility, but on my 4-D roller coaster, they can be both my lifeline and my lifetime. The track that this coaster flies on is the one build by God, certainly not by me. Nothing I could ever learn or apply would produce anything close to this incredible experience. And the amusement park that holds this ride is the life and times of the now and the present. Full of both the known and expected, and full of surprises and disbeliefs, with people and food and drink and stuff everywhere to complete the picture.

And at any time, typically during a very fast moment, someone or something snaps a picture, and it usually captures the moment pretty accurately. Well, usually, anyway....

Post-Cruise Summary

2009-08-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

The cruise ended quietly and appropriately. As we pulled into San Pedro around 7am on a Sunday morning, I had already been on the top deck for about an hour, while rest of family slept. While there, a lady who was a friend of Bill W.'s that I'd met earlier in the week came along side, and we shared considerably of all things related to the cruise, life and God. She left me as we docked, and I simply communed with my God in deep gratitude for all that the previous week and given me - and all that had NOT taken place.

There was no drama during the cruise. There were certainly emotional moments, but no negative dramatic situations which were in any way uncomfortable. What a blessing! The gifts of family unity in a purely entertaining 7 days were continuous. While there was plenty of "too much" - food and free time, for example - there were also plenty of "just right" - from the day of golf on Puerto Vallarta, to the day at the beach in Cabo San Lucas, to the nightly dinners with a table full of adults and a separate table full of kids, and my ability to sit at either one as the mood suited me.

But the best of the best of things about this cruise, was the final check-out, and that I did not have an exorbitant liquor bill to charge to my credit card. While I did ring up charges for photographs, golf, kids' unlimited sodas for the week, and the required gratuity for the room stewards, I got off the boat with a freekin' huge smile on my face and contentment in my heart because of my abstinence from alcohol. I can only imagine - but won't even try - what others in my traveling party of 21 might have faced in their debarkation reality.

The cruise was splendid in so many ways. But mostly, I am so grateful for just being there - for my reality of being unemployed, separated from my wife but with her and my sons in one cabin - is an incredible blessing in and of itself, and one I surely will not lose perspective - EVER.
Bringing the professional photos home to family was a post-cruise joy; brought tears to my mom's eyes immediately, and my sister was somewhat in awe. Sharing with them aspects of the cruise and my personal perspectives beyond this blog was also a joy, one which was done without any element of untruth or fabricated elaboration - for the reality of the cruise as it occurred was worthy of sharing factually, as it occurred and in reflection.

8-1-09 - Days 5 and 6 - Cabo & Cruisin' Home

2009-08-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

6th day at sea, and all is still well………..left Mazatlan with all on board. Seems they made it with plenty of time to spare, just went to bar and relived their day over drinks, then joined me and the boys at dinner, which went just fine. Any concerns I had evaporated quickly, as I simply thanked God for all the blessings and the cruise continue...

Yesterday, we woke up in Cabo San Lucas. All of our group went ashore around 10am or so, splitting separately into two major groups, but within each, plenty of individual and mini-group activities. The ship was docked in the harbor, the sun shining brightly as tenders took us to the docks where the cruise ships have their "bark" stations (disembark/embark). As we left the ship, Cori gave us recounts of her last visit here with my mom, pointing out the places they went. Some in our group went on a tour, some went parasailing, some went shopping. Cori, the boys and I arrived at the docks, walked along to an info booth, and asked about the best way to get to "The Office", where we had a planned rendezvous with others in our group.

We walked along the docks, found the water taxi guys, hoped aboard for $3 each, and were shuttled across the harbor to a great beach, full of multiple restaurants and markets.

The Office was the one with the blue umbrellas, under which were tables & chairs in the sand, about 20' from the water. We hopped off the taxi, onto the sand, immediately spotted another family from our group, and made our way under the umbrellas, commandeering a few tables. The umbrellas were closely packed in together, forming an almost awning of shade, absolutely necessary given the bright sunshine and heat (90+). Dropped our stuff onto chairs, secured the straps of our backpacks to the chairs to prevent theft, and arranged with the other parents to always have someone present at the table to watch belongings.

Mass of humanity all around; families, adults, kids, and a ton of vendors hawking whatever along the beach. But the vendors could not enter under the umbrellas of tourist safe haven, thanks to the presence of police right at the edge of the sunshine & umbrellas. Very cool arrangement, I must say. The kids were itching for the water, and so were we, so off we went.

Beautiful water, mild surf and undertoe. Could walk out about 10-15 feet before being unable to stand, and all within a buoy'ed area of safe harbor. Kids loved rolling with waves, letting the current take them out and bring them back again over and over again (especially Justin). Eventually, we had about 15 of our group all in the water together.

Early on in this experience, I realized fully the blessing of the moment, simply raised my hands to the skies, closed my eyes with my head pointed upward, and gave thanks to God for all of this trip, and for this moment. My inner peace was amazing, my calm surprising, my anxieties and fears gone, and I praised Him for this feeling. My praise was continuous for the rest of the day, acknowledging his presence in my life, and the sole reason for this wonderful feeling I was having. I held my new silver crucifix around my neck, closing my eyes. My commune with God was surprising, yet not at all; uncommonly fulfilling, yet not really, for I have felt this way previously, but never appreciated the "why" for all of it. Not today, not again. I believe I have crossed easily but squarely into new ground in this respect. Smiling, almost to the point of laughter, I came out of the euphoric moment, and back to keeping a watchful eye on the kids in the water, not just mine, but all of them.

Off an on over the next 2-3 hours, went back up under the umbrellas for respites from the sunshine, food and sodas, and conversation. Nice to be part of the group, nice to have genuine friendships with both adults and kids; adults freely engaging in back-and-forth conversations and questions on life, happiness, et al. Kids asking pretty darn adult-like questions, not to mention the questions re: Mexico, customs, and more. Just very cool being in my own skin, happy with my adultness, not at all concerned about image or correctness, yet being happy about being fully in the moment, completely present mentally & emotionally.

(Hope you can see the name on this water taxi - significant, to say the least!

We were due back on the boat by 2pm, so around 1 or so, Cori left with the others to hit some shopping areas. I let the boys swim a bit more, then got our stuff together, found a water taxi ($2 each for trip back), and returned to the docks. Go into a lengthy line for the tenders (another cruise ship in harbor on the same day), and while in line, rest of the group (including Cori) joined back up with us. I was relieved to not wonder or worry about her or others, immediately thanked God for that. Dang, I realize how fundamentally I've changed in that regard, recognizing his presence in my life, and realizing my ignorance previously in that regard. No matter or worries going forward; I again fingered my crucifix, which I believe I will be doing more and more of the rest of my days unfold.

Back on board, we went straight to our room to shower, for the sand was everywhere under our suits and in our hair. Kids first, them Cori, then me. When I got out, kids were gone, and Cori and I had some private, quiet time - and took advantage of it to communicate with seriousness for the first time this week. I did a bit of talking, but really just listened to a lot of "stuff" except for responding to questions when asked. She then left, and I fell asleep for almost two hours, awakening when she came back to get ready for dinner - the 2nd formal night.

I'd forgotten my tuxedo jewelry (cufflinks & shirt button), so instead just put on a shirt, tie, slacks and sportcoat, which was just fine. Dinner was awesome, as we all shared the days events, universally agreeing that Cabo is one place we could easily come back to and stay for an extended period. We all agreed to let Carnival know that there was simply not enough time in Cabo, and that they should adjust schedules in the future.

The dinner concluded with a 50th birthday song for Lily, who organized this trip, and then a dance by staff, who chose to put Justin & Anthony up for all to see as well. I've got videos of the boys to along with a few pix.

For me, Cabo was somewhat like Waikiki; party atmosphere, but a sense of safety in the midst of chaos and insanity. I think I could come back here for 3-4 or even 7 days, checking out all that is local, and being happy doing so. With or without kids. Just that kind of place.

After dinner, went to a bar with most other adults. For the first time this trip, I relaxed enough while others drank and I did not, happy with my club soda. Ian broke out a pack of Cuban cigars, and the men all partook; even some of the women tried 'em. Not something I do often by any respect, but it was fun sitting back and being happy with myself, comfortable in this environment of adults and alcohol, and grateful to have beside me another non-drinker, taking quiet solace and strength in that similarity. Took 5 nights for me to get there, but at least I got there, instead of avoiding it at all times.

Around 10pm, as adults were headed to a comedy show, I offered to round up all the kids (who had been in the video arcade all this time after dinner), and get them all to their rooms for the evening. Now THAT was a nice situation; I had seven boys (ages 8 to 12), and I didn't lead them troop-style, but definitely was the authority figure that was needed. We left the arcade, headed to the Lido deck for ice cream, and along the way, observed them checking out the young ladies which seemed to be in abundance. I watched and listened, not just my two sons, but all the boys, and relived the boys-will-be-boys realities of discovery. We then sat together, and I imparted whatever "wisdoms" (and I use that term very loosely) I could re: what to say and not say when encountering the opposite sex. What was surprising was that Justin and Anthony, the two youngest, seemed to be the most comfortable with "being themselves", while the older boys had the desire to be something else entirely. Pretty funny to be part of, and again, I am grateful for the experience.

Got them all back to our cabin around 10:45, setting an 11:15 curfew, and they turned on TV (cartoons). One by one, they all left for their own cabins over the next ½ hour, and I just assume they all got there safely and appropriately. On cue, Cori came in around 11:15, just as the last two were leaving, and we all settled in for sleep. I sat up and read until about midnight, ending with a smile and prayer of thanks for a GREAT day.

We are at sea this morning (Saturday, 8/1/09), up in knots as we speed back to Long Beach, and should be in port as we awake tomorrow. Only plan for today is an 11am debarkation meeting (how to get off the ship) - otherwise, today is a free and easy day. My mindset and emotional well-being is somewhere very, very special this morning. My reality of being unemployed, separated, and in recovery is completely overshadowed by a sense of inner peace, harmony with God, and a sense of "upward mobility" - that I can and will be just fine, no matter what, and will continue to get right and healthy and be happy. My glass is way more than half-full, indeed….

I have started to think seriously about areas of my life that need attention and elements of goal-setting - like my weight and aspects of my health, my family, and my career. Yet, the goal setting and project planning strategies and tactics of my past is not what I will be doing from here on - it will be something totally different, very much living in the present and appreciating all that is now, rather than focused on all that is yet to do, yet to come, and yet to be done. I attribute much of this new approach to the book I am just about finished reading - In a Million Pieces, which has really inspired me in a few different ways. Mostly, I'm encouraged at just having survived through all of this life to this point, having weathered the storms and potholes rather well, given my current day perspective. I am motivated to continue in the same way I have these past 4+ months, and want continue this education, self-discovery, and self-improvement, yet not in an accelerated fashion, but in whatever God decides is right for me. For certain, I will add a new element to my knowledge, as I now want to read the Tao, referred to frequently in Million Pieces……….quoting but one pearl of wisdom:

#22: If you want to be whole, you must first be partial. If you want to be straight, you must first be crooked. If you want to be full, you must first become empty. If you want to be reborn, you must first die. If you want everything, you must first give everything up. If you don't display yourself, people will see your lift. If you have nothing to prove, people will trust you. If you don't try to be something, people will see themselves in you. If you don't have a goal, you will always succeed.

7-30-09 - Mazatlan - Day 4

2009-07-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

4th day at sea, and all is still well………..docked in Mazatlan around 8am, Alex & I on the top deck watching us come into the harbor. Man, it stinks here in the harbor. Major refuse, sewer, fishing and industrial smells. Once we get off the exposed decks and to the inner sections of the boat, including the pools, order is gone. About 85 degrees at 9am, sun blasting, not so humid as Puerto Vallarta, but still a bit muggy. Nice city to view from the deck - major beaches with high-rise hotels, hillsides covered with nice homes as well as shanties & huts, poverty is visible, yet mixed with suburban elements. Bustling port of commerce, with multiple cargo ships lined up in the harbor.

Here's what you see from the ship when you are on either side:

Everyone except me and the boys left the ship today. Two went deep sea fishing early, the rest disembarked around 10am, and it's now 5pm and they're due back any moment (boat leaves in less than a ½ hour - hope they make it. Me & the boys did very little; swam, ate, napped, swam, played miniature golf, swam, played in the video game room, swam, listened to live music, watched a Moody Blues concert on the big screen, swam. Got a nice tan going, and none of us are sunburned, because we weren't in the pool for more than 15-20 minutes at a time.

Nice and relaxed today, not thinking much about anything, lost in my book of a Million Pieces, and doing the occasional Sudoku. With only a few days left on this tug, starting to think about the real world again, yet doing so with anticipation and not regret. I am so grateful (still) to be be here at all, blessed to be with my family, and even enjoying friends, learning to laugh with them and not at them (as they are quite inebriated most of the time). But all in all, still a good time is being had, and while there's always something that could be better, I'm just happy for all that is right.

Tomorrow's a big day - Cabo San Lucas. Not sure at all what the day will hold, but I am in a poker tournament at 4:30pm, which is really all I am planning. Don't know if we'll get off the ship as a family or not. Yesterday, in Puerto Vallarta, did about ½ hour of shopping with the boys; it was about a 100 degrees, and that's all they could stand. I did treat myself to a silver crucifix, which I've wanted for quite some time. Price started out at $90 (cross + chain). Guy threw in a large bottle of Vanilla (Cori wanted this), and walked out at $40 for all of it. Probably could have done better, but we heard before we left the ship the merchants are hurting, as swine flue and low cruise attendances have hurt everyone in these port towns. In Cabo, if we do go shopping, will look for the golf cap, t-shirts, and rest of the tourista stuff - not sure if there's really anything else I want/need.

Signing off now - wondering if the gang made it back to the ship, or if they're blotto'd in a bar and will have to rent a car to get to Cabo for tomorrow. LOL - that would be an amazing story to blog about if it happens, let alone a wonderful story for the kids to remind their parents about frequently over the next decades….jeez, am I grateful I am no longer part of that mentality, and survived it all when I was…..

7-29-09 - in Mazatlan

2009-07-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

3rd day at sea, and all is still well………..this will be a short blog, as I'm absolutely beat from a long day in the heat & humidity while docked in Puerto Vallarta. I have learned a very important lesson today, one which I guess I knew all along, but today it became crystal clear: I can play golf on any golf course, in any country, on any continent - and two things will remain constant. I will suck, and I will have a good time. No matter what. No matter the cost. 100 degrees, 97% humidity, and we had an awesome time - at El Tigre, named because on the premises are Bengal tigers - two large ones bordering the 17th tee box, caged and well kept, under shade, each with their own pools. And, a 3-month old cub, kept right at the clubhouse, who knows when to turn on the charm and pose for pix. I bought a traditional Kodak disposable camera in the pro shop, and have a roll of film to develop which captures today's golf outing.

Since yesterday morning, when I last blogged, a few things of memorable significance have occurred, but none which warrant blogging about here and now. Suffice it to say they will take some time to fully absorb, and then may warrant communication for public posterity.

All in all, life is good, and I am blessed, and this is indeed a relaxing and fun vacation. Certainly, the boys are having a good time, and not just because they have anywhere from 5 to 10 ice cream or yogurt cones a day, courtesy of the self-serve, all you can eat buffet that runs virtually 24x7 on the Lido deck (#9). Boys are loose and on their own a lot, save when we check Justin into Camp Carnival for a particular event. But there are 6 boys (ages 8 to 12) that all hang around together or in smaller segments doing whatever fancies them. Only when Justin wants to swim do Cori & I coordinate on in-person coverage, and so far, that's worked out just fine. We've each had plenty of freedoms to do whatever we individually want to do, as well as the evenings of dinner with all the adults together (which has been a lot of fun) and attending a show (last night) or event (e.g., Kareoke contest).

A quick word about the shipboard entertainment; musicians are excellent, singers so-so, dancers so-so, largely because their choreography seems the same while only the costumes change. One dancer excels at ballet, and it shows above all others; else the ensemble is frequently disjointed, which frequently makes for inferiority. Good lights & sound system overcome some faults, but then we are not on Broadway, so who really cares anyway. Comedian we saw was excellent, such that humor was fast & furious with minimal amounts retained and repeated the next day.

Tomorrow, we're in Mazatlan, and I'm staying shipboard to watch the kids (all of 'em), while most adults go ashore to various events. Haven't a clue what to expect, except a good time!

All for now - time to upload this and read some emails….

7-28-09 - 2nd Day at Sea

2009-07-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

2nd day at sea, and all is still well………..now with sea legs semi-firm beneath us, we continue this vacation very much more relaxed, with the real challenge being what to do with one's time while on board - for there are choices upon choices.

Kids have a semi-routine, now; wake up, get dressed, take meds, go to breakfast, go to Carnival Club - the kids-only program that keeps them occupied while parents do whatever it is that parents will do. Yesterday, kids had a scavenger hunt, tried to count all the seats in the large ballroom, painted their own T-shirts, played rock (song) trivia, and who knows what else. We dropped them off at 10am, didn't see them again until 3:45pm.

Today, and every day, will possibly be pretty much the same. When we did see them, they were happy, both to see us, and as they shared their experiences of the day. Both are in the same group, as we convinced the leaders to let Justin into the 9-10-11 group so he could be with most of the other kids in our group. Alex has the ability (but not Justin) to sign himself out at will - meaning he can leave the group at any time to do whatever he wants; we've cautioned him this privilege will be revoked if we think he's abusing it, for yesterday afternoon he literally wandered around the ship for a couple of hours. We thought that was good for him, letting him learn what's where on his own. After this, he still - like most adults - relies on the ship's maps posted by all elevators, to figure out where he is and how to get to where he wants. They still haven't adjusted to all the available food and drink and deserts, available 24x7, and that they can literally eat ice cream as much as they want any time they want. Whew!

I thoroughly relaxed yesterday, almost to a fault. Went to (what I hope to be an every) morning meeting with friends of Bill W. to start my day with the right mental frame of mind. After breakfast, I sat and typed out the blog, uploaded it, and then at 10am went to a golf "briefing" re: the three different ports of call and their courses. Thrown in was an awesome "lesson" of sorts from the on-board pro, a brit with a great sense of humor, who has been on the Nationwide tour for last three years, and seems to really know his stuff. Learned quite a bit about grip and about swing, yet never got a chance to see if I would hold a club differently, swing differently, or get different results. THAT costs money; group lessons for ½ hour are $45, solo lessons for an hour (with video swing analysis & DVD to go home with) costs $125. Pass…..

Afterward, decided to park myself and read. Next thing I knew, it was lunchtime! Huge thanks to Ron & Kay for "A Million Pieces", I am lost in a book again, which is amazingly therapeutic. Not to mention educational and entertaining, for I can relate to much of this buck, despite never having personally realized the extremes of self-abuse and recovery that are the story of "James". But sitting and reading in the sun on a ship is a very cool thing indeed. Read this book throughout the day off and on, and even just before sleep. Want to finish it during the trip.

After lunch, hung out with the adults for a while at the adults-only pool, but never got in the water. Was a bit uncomfortable at times, as the drinking all around me was extensive and continuous. So after about an hour, left, checked on the boys, and went off alone to read and people-watch. Oh yeah, and gamble….

I probably had 4 separate ½ hour-or-less sessions in the casino yesterday. Other than the last segment, I won every time somewhere between $40 and $80, so was up until after dinner last night, when I gave most of it back. Still, I'm even or maybe slightly ahead after the first day, which is a blessing. And, this morning, have some strength gained in this morning's meeting not to trade one weakness for another. So am going to try NOT to gamble at all today - which I would consider a major achievement. I played mostly 7-deck blackjack, with a bit of 3-card poker and Carribean Stud thrown in. Paid $20 to get into a blackjack tournament, but didn't get out of the first round. On Friday, I'm in a Texas Hold'Em tournament with three other men from our group. I just would like to get out of the first round.

Boys have discovered the miniature golf course, playing now (9am, after breakfast). And the waterslide, so are in heaven for early morning. I type this from the deck around the upper pool, watching them now and then, but mostly in reflection. And complete gratitude for being so blessed in my life to experience this - in the middle of unemployment and family strife.

In that regard, it has so far been very calm and easy for Cori and I to do this; we are respectful of each other, share the load for child care and seemingly have figured out without detailed planning how to just give the other room to be themselves, and then step up for parental duties. For example, after dinner last night, she said she wanted to go see the comedy show (adults only); I was very cool with that, since it started at 10pm, so at 9:45, I picked up the kids from the supervised activities after dinner, and went back to the stateroom, got us all into bed, and we were asleep by 10:30 or so. None of us even heard Cori come in at whatever time….

Last night was first of two formal nights. Very cool to "dress up"; me in a tux, Cori looking fine in purple, and boys in shirts & ties. It was during dinner when I realized I haven't seen our camera, and mentioned it to Cori. For whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be a priority, maybe because all the other parents have cameras, and pix are being taken all the time. So someone captured last night's elegant moments, just not us. We'll get those pix eventually; but it makes me want to take control of the camera from here on, take pix of my own, and include them in future blogs.

One very nice thing occurred yesterday, after my first stint in the casino, I was up about $50-60, and when I left, strolled by the ship's picture station (where they have on display the pix photo crews have taken). Found an entire section of pictures of the kids in our group, so spent my winnings on those pix - 7 of them, one for each kid (except Alex, for some reason), and presented them to the parents at dinner last night. They were grateful to say the least, happy that it was the ship that paid for them.

Today is another full day at sea, as we lolly-gag our way down to Puerto Vallarta, where we'll be in dock when we awake tomorrow morning. Just another day at sea, taking it one moment at a time, trying not to manage, manipulate, control or anything else associated with responsibility - except for being alert as to my self, surroundings, thoughts and actions. Just want to achieve another relaxing day, stay out of the casino, read, and give thanks continuously for all my blessings.

I just read all that I've written, and realize this is not a blog with hugely significant content, and instead a journal of sorts for me, mostly. Hope readers don't mind that too much; being perfectly selfish, I really don't care one way or the other, since some will read every word, and others scan quickly and move on with their lives. Which is pretty much what reading blogs is all about, eh?

Last thought for all; here on the deck by the pool is a HUGE video screen - probably 15' x 20' in size, mounted far above the water, and where movies and live TV are shown. At the moment, CNN is live, giving us the daily news. Its been droning along in the background while I've been typing this, as I've heard bits & pieces about a supreme court justice upcoming vote, Michael Jackson death causes, plane crash causes, and more. I think tomorrow's blogging will be done elsewhere, for I have a growing disgust for staying connected to the real world during this vacation. Yet, I know when I upload this, it means I'll be able to read my emails, which I will, and maybe even respond to some. Keeping me connected to the real world. Oh well, such is life at sea and Mark's mindset today………..I'm counting my blessings in all ways……..

Tomorrow: reflections on golf in Puerto Vallarta……

7-27-09 - First Day at Sea

2009-07-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

First day at sea, and all is well………..amazing to be back on a boat again. Awesome memories of cruises past, but a reality that THIS one is very much like taking an inauguration cruise. While I'm not a novice, it very much seems at times that I am having entirely new experiences. It will be interesting for me to blog throughout this week in this regard…..

The flight from Sac to LAX yesterday was, in a word, hilarious. Southwest flight attendants are often unique in how they do their job, and this short flight was definitely unique. Beginning with the guy who did all the announcements; a young German man, tall and thin, with that pronounced accent, and yet with an intimate knowledge of America and our distinct sense of humor. Not sure I'll ever forget the standard pre-flight announcements, and the reference to the complimentary oxygen Southwest provides in lieu of free food. Also, how he explained Southwest no longer takes cash, and that those without credit cards probably should not be drinking alcohol anyway.

Remember that this is a group excursion. So the 9 adults and 8 kids in this traveling party (more would join us on the ship), got ALL their luggage (probably 30-40 pieces incl. carry-ons, and piled into a stretch HumVee limo. We packed it all in, somehow - with small luggage strewn within the main seating area, while the rear cargo area was packed to the max. Within a few minutes of leaving LAX, we stopped at an In-and-Out burger joint. Now this was not your typical In-n-Out - this is LA, after all - so we joined in with seemingly a hundred or more folks within and outside of the place, ordered volumes of burgers & fries, and watched the volume process in action. Took all of 10 minutes to make and deliver our order, while we all people-watched. In particular, we all decided such places in LA are perfect for this activity - noticing piercings & tattoos in abundance, while also noticing shoes. Women wear the most amazing, unique shoes, even to In-N-Out.

And then we headed out for a 3 hour trip down the Pacific Coast Hwy, all the way to San Pedro. We drove past a lot of awesome beaches, a bunch of beach-side communities, locals & tourists in volume - all the while music blasting from within the limo, with windows open for all to see, gawk and point and smile. Eric was in charge of music, and had to put up with 17 others all directing him to "stop" or "search" as a song would play on whatever FM station he found. We seemed to center in on classic rock, as a song would come on and 18 voices would be screaming out in unison, yet major disharmony. No matter to any of us, for this was definitely an "in the moment" performance. Next thing we knew, we were crossing the bridge in

the harbor, and saw our ship from a distance. DAMN - this thing was HUGE!

A floating city does not begin to describe this sucker. So I won't even try. Suffice it to say we got through the boarding process, the boarding pictures (yeah, photo ops in volume, sometimes annoyingly so), and then onto the ship. We started with going to our stateroom; we are on the first deck - low in the ship, must above the medical center, which is really a mini-hospital in and of itself. The ship has 11 decks in all, with cabins on decks 1-8. I have no clue (yet) where others in our party are in terms of their stateroom, and don't really care. We unpacked (suitcases were quickly brought to our room), and then went to explore. Got only up to floors 4 and 5, and then it was time for dinner (we had first seating). Floors 4 and 5 are the main floors, where shops, main restaurants, and Guest Relations are all housed - oh yeah, and the casino.

Went to kids' orientation after dinner, setting up child care for the rest of the week. I'm not sure I'll see my boys again expect first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. Literally, they can stay with the planned activities from 8am to 3am every day (!). We got Justin into the 9-11 age group to be with the majority of other kids in our group, instead of being by himself in the 6-8 age group. He is already pleased with this decision; and we were issued a cell phone for emergencies if he has a seizure at any time.

After the orientation, I went to the casino, registered for a Hold'Em tournament on Friday; cost is $50/person, could win as much as $5,000, plus a free cruise, plus an invite back into Carnival finals to be held in November (!). Look for tournament results later this week. Went to the blackjack tables, and in about 45 minutes, was up around $100, so I left the first night a winner. On the way back to the room, went my the picture studio, and found our family and group pictures, plus some solo shots done of all the kids - and bought the whole kit & caboodle with my winnings. Presented them this morning at breakfast to the parents, which was a very cool thing, as all pix of kids are excellent and capture the moment & memory perfectly.

Friends of Bill W. are everywhere on this ship - I am so pleasingly surprised and extremely grateful. In my traveling a group is such a friend, which was a completely shock and awesome gift for both of us. Went to a meeting at 7am today - held in a lounge(!) - which was absolutely the perfect way to start the day. About 12 or 13 in attendance, all grateful to be together, and all accustomed fully to the meeting routine and the challenges we all face this week. There are three meetings scheduled each day (7am-1pm-4pm) plus the encouragement to buddy-up and do it ourselves. Meeting opened by a senior crew member, who spoke openly and graciously of staying focused on our own side of the street, and not on all the traffic accidents occurring consistently around us. Great analogies made throughout this first meeting, to both auto traffic and harbor traffic - and how God is our harbormaster, and we simply must pay attention at all times to proper harbor conduct. And, a hot-line # on board, that we can all call whenever we feel the need, connecting us with a staff member we can talk with if/when necessary. As we dock tonight in Puerto Vallarta, meeting tomorrow morning will be led by someone with experience in resort landings, cantina challenges, etc. For the most part, I sense the majority of folks are like me, not wanting to get off the ship at all, feeling like this is safe haven now that we have support mechanisms readily available. I feel blessed, to say the least, and extremely grateful.

So that's it for now - time to take the boys miniature golfing, then drop them off at Camp Carnival for the day. Later, I'll attend a briefing re: golfing in each of the three ports, to see if there's one that appeals to me. All are expensive, so there must be a compelling reason for me to bite this bullet, and I haven't won enough at the casinos (yet?) to make this a Carnival amenity. Oh, and there's a ping pong tournament at 2pm which 3-4 guys are now talking about entering, since we all fancy ourselves accomplished….anything more than that is unknown and unplanned - except that God knows what I'll be doing, and I'm just reveling in his ownership of my life today.

2009 - A Crusin' Vacation

2009-07-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

So, y0u see, I got this bug, this affliction, nay I say, addiction. To pampering and treating myself as close to royally as possible. I've really had this most of my adult life. But since becoming a father at 45, I've really gotten this addiction under control, choosing instead to realize I'd treated myself so well previously, and now it was time to change priorities.

BUT - the kids are now older, and I believe its time to start treating myself again - certainly not with the same extremes as previously, but every now and then, doing what feels good. The last 12 years, I've done this less than a handful of times, mostly centered around golf, including to Golfing Vacations. Yet, they fail to compare to the insanely decadent vacation aboard a cruise ship.

Today, we leave for a 7-day cruise down the Mexican peninsula. We fly out of Sacramento to LAX, get on a HumVee Limo (there are 20+ in our travelling part of four families & other adults) and kill 3-4 hours up and down the Pacific Coast Highway, before we get to the docks of San Pedro, and board Carnival's Splendor, a ship of about 1 1/2 years in age, and a literal floating city.

I have no clue the number of decks, the different things to do, the number of guests, the size of the staff, or anything else - just that this gonna be fun and at times, overwhelming. But the decadence is not the treat to myself - its simply being there with my family, for I chose to do this trip only because my boys said "Dad, you HAVE to go!" when I thought I'd just send my wife with them.

For certain, we are not going "whole hog"; while I would very much like to repeat past cruises of supreme excellence, we are pretty much going "cut rate" this tiime around. For example, our cabin will not be high end, in any way - instead we're "bunking" it.

And so, now in the airport, ready to leave in about an hour, I'm posting this to get people clued in to where I'll be for the next week. Also, I realize in typing this, that this vacation is the PERFECT opportunity to get back to blogging, for the handful of those that might want to read about my life & times.

This vacation has its challenges, which I'll no doubt write about over the next week. The ship has Internet access, and I've got my laptop - what more is needed to ensure a good time? Seriously, though, my reality for this trip includes a truly remarkable reality I'll face when I leave the ship NEXT Sunday - no liquor tab!?! I no longer drink alcohol, but have never experienced a cruise without that end-of-vacation sticker shock. Now If I can only NOT instead fall prey to the blackjack tables during the week, for there is no such ability to "sign for it" and worry about it later.....

I now give myself a Bon Voyage prayer, asking only for calm and sensibility, self-control and no drama. I ask God to take care of me, my family, and my challenges, and simply allow me a week from now to reflect on a good time had by all.

A friend of Bill's once told me......

2009-07-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

I'm back from an awesome three days in Fort Bragg & the Mendocino coast, camping with my spiritual brother Gabby, and truly getting in touch with what it means to be 57, aware of life on it's terms for the first time in my life, and truly content with it all. That, and a profound awareness that God is good, has an incredible sense of humor as he shows me love and irony in all its forms (and I get to realize it instead of being oblivious to it).....

I am so blessed. I have my health, my sons, my sister, friends, and an unknown quantity of folks who just seem to reach out to me, support me, be there for me and bless me, even when I don't ask for it. Recently, I have learned to be "aware" - today, I am SO conscious of SO many things simultaneously, things which stand alone with their own merits, yet somehow are interwoven into an amazing tapestry of goodness and righteousness that in combination are simply incredible. This is where God's sense of humor shows itself - for its really been there all along, and he chooses to reveal it to me in doses I can swallow and process, putting an amazing set of grins and giggles into my system, smiles on my face, and joy in my heart.

A world and seemingly a lifetime ago, I was adrift in a sea of medication which prevented so much of this joy from taking place. But no matter, for I am grateful to have found stability and instead of rejecting it, living and loving in it. Sure, life's roller coaster can present challenges, negative issues, fear and grief - but I have learned that "this, too, shall pass" - just like my grins & giggles, smiles & joy. But I sure do relish my glass being way more than half full, and am learning to choose to focus on the many blessing and goodness present in my life, and not focus on the other non-positives. Now if I can carry that message to others, my desire for service can also be satisfied - for that desire is currently unfulfilled.

So much of my life has been spent singularly focused on "me", fueling my pride and ego with self-serving elements which brought nothing but momentary satisfaction, and long-term addiction to self. Finally, the adage of the old dog learning new tricks can be realized, as I've learned to stop the insanity, turn my life over to God, admit my powerlessness, and simply trust that HE has a plan, will show it when HE thinks the time is right, and trust that I will know exactly what to do with it. Once I began to operate in that mode a few months ago, my life started turning out so much better - or, at least, I fully feel like I'm moving in the 'right' direction. I wake each day in prayer and thankfulness, end each day with serenity, and in between, simply take it all as it comes.....dang, how free I feel as a result.

So...why write about introspective elements of negativity and fears and realities, when instead I can author perspective on the good that is in abundance? OK, so call me Pollyanna, or Dorothy of Kansas via Oz, or whatever - I choose to call me a friend of Bill - what I hope will be a friendship for life.

Back in the Saddle

2009-06-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

Life just has a way of getting a hold of you and simply not letting go, until something (or someone) comes along and you break free........I have been crippled for some time now mentally and emotionally, caught up in "life", and therefore not honoring my self-defined commitment to blog with regularity & frequency. Don't know if this is the re-start of that commitment or not, but I do know that it took a rather unique chain of events to trigger this post.....

In 1972, I was a member of the Knight Raiders Drum & Bugle Corp. I was 19/20 that year of marching, in college, and therefore a member of the "cool" (order) kids. There were a dozen or so of us in that late-teen/early-20's group, and that year in the corps turned out to be the precursor to a lifetime of friendships and memories.

This morning, the music director of that corp send me a ping through Facebook, connecting me with another long-lost soul from '72. Laura was one of the "Mudshark Groupies" - that is a post in and of itself yet to be written. At any rate, Laura is now joined with me on Facebook, and I clicked through on her blog, which free'd me from life's tangled web enough to author this post. Again, I'm hopeful that not only the reconnection with friends from '72 can spur me on further, but that being back in the saddle of blogging will bring its own lifeform.

For certain, my mind is racing now, full of '72 memories - that fabulous year of indelible life lessons. There is so much that can be written about that one year, but I suppose it begins with the reality that it was the bridge year from adolsence to young adulthood, from a life of pure play to a life of seriousness - relationships, discipline, work themes, responsibility, and more.....yep, I have lots to post in the future in this regard.....

Clarity?

2009-02-26T16:02:00.001-08:00

Seek, and ye shall find. Ask, and all will be answered. Pray, and your prayers will be answered.

I believe all of this indeed does occur when in communion with God. Believers know this to be true. Believers also know that God reveals himself uniquely - and often, with a very unique sense of humor!

- What I seek is not necessarily what he has me find.
- What I ask is not necessarily what is answered.
- What I pray for is not necessarily answered in the way I envisioned.

Take today, for example. I attended a professional networking meeting this morning. Said another way, a group of people who are either (a) out of a job and desperate to find one, (b) providing a service to assist those who are in search of a job, or (c) people who haven't a clue.

I went in thinking (a), and came out thinking (c). I went in knowing that there were (b) people there to assist me, and they certainly did. I left believing now than at any other time of my life that working for someone else is something I not only don't want to do, it is something I will avoid if at all possible. I came out with resolve to make it the rest of my career in my own way - as a business owner (and potentially an employer), and not ever again as an employee.

So here is God, taking me where I've not been previously, and surprising me with a comfortable decision - one which simultaneously excites me and scares me. I can control & channel my excitement easily, just by getting immersed into whatever it is I choose to do. I can also control & channel my fear into Trust & Faith - and am choosing to do just that.

So....once we exit the current space my mental, emotional and spiritual place inhabits, it will be full speed ahead, into the unknown. To go where this man has never gone before. To seek new lands and life forms, to be all that I can be, yada yada yada.

And to do this in a way in which there is no doubt that God is in control, and I am but a servant, trusting and having faith.

Again - or still - at a Crossroad

2009-02-25T12:40:00.001-08:00

As came to me through email today, authorship unknown:

Definition of FAITH: Fabulous Adventure In Trusting Him!

It is indeed fabulous. A period discovery, of wonderment and awe, of self-realization and self-actuation.

An adventure, to say the least. Unlike any other in my life experiences.

In - could mean any number of things:
- INcluding
-INvolving
-Interdependent (on)

Trusting - an active and concious effort(note the verb tense)

Him - as in only one could have this ability and impact, and warrant this obedience

As OMG (Only My God) can do, he has shown me that my current state of humanness - personal and professional is second to my current state of spirituality. Trying not to be simply dumbstruck by the magnitude and frozen in place awaiting "orders", instead I coninue to experience life as a concert of my attempts to do what I think I should be doing, and His clear intent to have me do what He wants me to do.

And , I suspect that when my humanness gets too much effort & focus, such that I allow fear, doubt, frustration, anger, and other inappropriate elements associated with simply "not knowing" (the future) take root, then He sends me a sign letting me know He's present, and that there are others I need to connect and share with - who are in as equally a revolutionary timeframe as I.

For in this period of instability, there is this amazing transition going on, one which replaces that fear of not having control over the future with a clear and calm faith that something will occur which will absolutely all for provision. To not feel anxieties is unnatural; to feel them, but replace them with faith and calm seems oh so appropriate and natural.

Beyond my spiritual journey is my family commitment and my personal & professional life, all of which continue to be a state of transition as well. Family itself is stable - its me that's changing in and around them. Personal life is stable, but always morphing, with new commitments replacing ones just honored. Professional life is absolutely upside down and unknown right now - but I am surprisingly at peace with that as I regroup and restrategize for whatever is next.

And I am indeed at a Crossroads

Crossroads

2009-02-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

(under the heavy influence of 60's pop music, I offer this opening set of lyrics):

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Down to the crossroads, fell down on my knees.
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please."

I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Nobody seemed to know me, everybody passed me by.

It just seems like there's an amazing combination of intersections and high-speed messages these days. And usually and for the most part, they just go whizzing by. But lately, something has changed - signficantly.

I believe God is being quite visible, intentional and "loud" right now. The repetitive nature of themes and topics and perspectives has long passed the coincidence factor, and is now full-blown reality. Confluence, I tell you - the melding of multiple streams of consciousness into one massive, churning mixture of spiritual significance.

The clarity of all that is happening is surprising, the acceptance of it all equally surprising. I am thrust into situations, locations, interactions and scenarios which all seem to tie together in one or more ways. The synchronicity of the experiences are stunning; the consistency with which the messages come flowing to and through me equally stunning. Today, the situational elements continued to align, and a new serendipity resulted - an enhanced sense of "this is what it is supposed to be", and yet and a complete bewilderment by me and the others in the experience as to what it REALLY means.

For that is one of the great mysteries now on full display. While I definitely sense God's presence in my life right now, He still offers me choices, and I still make plenty of questionable decisions. While I definitely belief he is preparing me for something new and different, I have no clue which opportunities to pursue, opportunities which I believe will come my way, as well as ones which have already presented themselves in one form or another. I believe there is something in the premise that while there is great comfort knowing God will provide His choices for me, I will be challenged to pursue the right ones.

To me, my human nature is so buried in the historical traditions of security, safety, stability, saving, and other typically repetitive behaviors based on what has worked previously or been taught previously. But now, my human nature seems to frequently and often directly conflict with God's intentions and directives; the more enlightened and aware and learned and convicted I become with God's intentions, the more challenging it becomes to listen to His guidance and attempt to discern the wrong from the right from His perspective (not ours).

How do I know - how will I know? What is my calling, my talent, my gift? And to what purpose? When a business opportunity presents itself - in whatever form - what are the characteristics I should be using to determine if I should pursue it or not? When a volunteer opportunity for service presents itself - in whatever form - what are the characteristics I should be using to determine if its appropriate for me or not?

Like being at a crossroad, unsure of whether to veer left or right, or continue straight ahead. With signs that say all roads lead to where I'm going, and all indications are that every choice will be where I should be.

And all the while, I'm finding others are at the same crossroads, that are on their same journey, that are telling their story, and that they also sense the visible and loud presence of God.

And so - Crossroads is born........stay tuned......for there is much to discovered....

O M G !!!

2009-02-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

My last posting so many moons ago was all about faith and trust, and not living in fear & stress. Well, I am here to say that I am living proof, that at least for a while, I have been pretty successful in that mode. And that is with a whirlwind of life circumstances changing all around me.

But I am very much at peace inside - at least I think I am - at least, I've convinced myself that I am - living in the blissful ignorance of not knowing what today or tomorrow will bring. More than that, I am living almost seemingly without a care about the future, trusting that God has a plan, and it will reveal itself when He says, not when I say. And that He will will reveal the details of the plan to me, rather than I direct them. I am merely following His desire for my trust & faith to be in Him.

So there you have it - I am in with Only My God - OMG. Not "Oh" - for that communicates surprise. But with "Only", for I believe I have learned the path to inner peace begins and ends with this Trust & Faith, at least to such an extent that I am comfortable with no longer being in the driver's seat, taking the lead, determining the strategies, communicating the tactics, and managing the project to the vision.

Instead, I am listening and watching. And seemingly learning, experiencing, realizing, and "living" like never before, at least not with a focus on this most unique principle. For with this commitment to Trust & Faith, I have been exposed to - no, blessed by - an array of messages, consistent on multiple themes, repeatedly showing themselves to me through sight and sound. And I am now starting to FEEL these messages. And with that comes an element of awe - which has its own set of interesting repercussions - including fighting the natural tendency towards dis-belief.

So these themes that seem to be coming at me consistently and with more than amazing coincidence:

- I am stronger because of the challenges, adversities, and pains which I am experienced in my lifetimes. And I get stronger each day by overcoming them with the "proper" purpose and intentions - which are NOT self-serving in any way. Only My God tells me that we, as humans, are meant to endure suffering; we should not be always acting in a preventative mode. We must learn to accept this "fate", because it is the reality of the human existence, and focus more on recovery, rebuilding, and strengthening through it, and not focus on the mentality of entitlement, steeped in "bad luck" and self-pity (why me?").

- Ask (pray) for what I really want - and be specific. In my case, this is one formidable challenge. To pray that specifically seems to be like setting my expectation; in order to set my expectation, I try not to be prideful and self-serving in that request, and instead find it easier to seek solutions for others. Only My God wants me to request exactly what I want or need, and overcome the challenges of being selfish, extravagant, a dreamer, and practical. Only My God further challenges me to be focused on the present, and not on the future, and therefore likely to be focused on an immediate set of circumstances, and not the big - or right - picture.

- There is indeed an evil presence. Call him Satan, the Devil, the Other, or whatever - but while I believe I am walking more strongly in His light these days, there is most definitely a sinister, alternative reality. Not to be overly dramatic, but the temptations of life which are in whatever ways "wrong" seem almost spotlighted and magnetic these days. As I' m told there most definitely is a Lucifer, the devil has me now thinking and acting about vices which I thought I either put away for good or had completely under control. So if "sin" is a reality that comes with a commitment to Faith & Trust, I am more aware of these daily challenges than ever before. And I now have something specific to pray about and ask Only My God about every day - giving me strength to avoid if possible, or repent whenever I stray from the path.

- Repentance can come in a variety of forms. For certain, the simple self-awareness of the need to repent is a critical foundation to any form. One form that seems to be presenting itself with frequency are the opportunities to be "in service". To be in service, for me, means completely giving of my time, knowledge, talents, abilities, for the good of someone or something. Only My God wants me to find comfort and joy contributing to the welfare of others; the challenge is to not be in service and focused on "me" and what I'm getting out of it, but instead have Faith and Trust that God has me there for a reason, and the rewards will be evident to me when He says they will, and Only My God decides what lessons and benefits I take from the experience of being of service.

So, with time on my hands, I am now in service, contributing in a number of ways which are new and different, challenging, and not at all about me. I hope this blog today is the start of a vehicle from which to share my experiences of life going forward, and definitely about the service opportunities which I realize.

Today is but the next day in this journey, yet it does feel somewhat of a new start for me. I just find myself uniquely lucid and "in touch" with myself in new ways, and today's blog is a solid and positive journaling reality for me.

Only My God could take me to where I am at this moment.....

Living in Fear - and Loathing It

2008-12-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

Inspired - or maybe it is commanded - by my friend to pen my blog yet again. And so, I openly confess to a lifetime of habit and circumstance associated with all that is Gonzo journalism, as only Hunter S. Thompson could write it, and from which I take liberty with a book series titled "Fear and Loathing".........

Recently, I have been living in fear, rather than in faith. I have been waiting for the shoe to drop, thinking my glass is more than half empty, that my time of good fortune is about to enter a difficult time. Thinking negatively in this manner is so disruptive to the norm, so anti-me, so debilitating because of its self-spawning nature. For one moment of negative thought begets another, and the duplicity repeats itself senselessly.

But after prayer last night, I awoke somewhat optimistic this morning, and on the drive into the office, broke morning tradition and turned off sports-talk radio. Driving in silence, I pondered myself as only I can do, and realized I have the power to make change, and therefore need to do so. As I neared work, I decided to see if Wal-Mart was open...

And it was. And so, at 6:30am, I am doing my holiday shopping in a virtually empty store. $200 later, I have gifts for my boys, my folks, my in-laws, my sis, and my office staff. And I walk out a very improved person, for having walked out of the spotlight and focused it instead on others. For that is very much what makes me happy, and not just because this is the season of giving.

So, thanks Gabby, for the goose.....

Recovery - Ti's The Season

2008-12-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

Marco fit da battle of Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento
Marco fit da battle of Sacramento
and the wall came a tumbling down, down, down
Doobie-doobie - down, down, down......

Survival of the not-so-fit. Still breathing, still in motion, heart still beating. Certainly still eating, which is another subject all together.....

Whatever seemed insurmountable has seemingly been, or at least temporarily has been, destroyed, forgotten, etc. Minute-by-minute changes in many things over a day or two altered perspective, if not despair itself. And all it took was a little holiday cheer.

Began with the first Christmas party of the season (my wife's company). A day later, a concert. In between, two holiday play practices for the kids. Now I'm re-energized with optimism.

Oh, and let's not forget my loved ones, who listened and offered feedback, love, advice, prayer, love, and patience & understanding. Intentional or not, it all worked in combination to bring me back, from wherever it was that I was when I last blogged.....

A little more diligence won't hurt in terms of blogging....so I'll begin by first, taking off my gloves, and taking a firm stance with a new conviction. I will openly be in touch with my feelings from here-on. And so, I begin by wanting to express my sincere appreciation for friends & family. In particular, with my love & respect for a very good friend of mine I've know since I was 19. He's like a brother to me, especially in the last decade or so....,who, sadly, is saddled (how's that for alliteration?) with a physical & emotional malady for which medical science has yet to completely identify, and for which there absolutely is no cure - but what is now being referred to biologically (for it can definitely reproduce) as

socalifsportssnobishnessism
or
SCSS

Reading on thewebdoctor.com, SCSS, if untreated, and when the individual is not in the general proximity of Los Angeles, leads to extensive life challenges for those infected, especially in terms of socially acceptable interaction and engagement (what is said and how its said). In particular, those in the neighboring geographies (No. California, Nevada, Arizona, and even San Diego) are especially subject to influence, and even boorish overbearing from those infected. You can always detect a person infected with SCSS when you hear their mental-mating call "Count the Rings" as they expound drivel on the history of the Lakers, Dodgers or USC (certainly nothing in recent years would warrant reference).

I am exploring the possibility of creating a web-based registry so the world will know all those infected. Perhaps a combined awareness can lead to activism to combat the deadly SCSS disease, perhaps even including 13-step programs (they need an extra step) and outreach intervention. Already, the SF Giants, Golden State Warriors, Sacramento Kings, San Francisco 49ers, and San Jose Sharks have expressed interest in pledging their support.

In this season of giving, be thinking about what YOU can do re: SCSS.....

Fight-On !

Hitting the Wall

2008-12-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm absolutely DESPERATE! I quit! I'm fed up to 'here' ! I'm spent! F**k the world !

OK, so even typing it out doesn't help. I've hit the, or at least a, wall. The proverbial wall. What (or where) is proverbial anyway? And how many times will I return to this spot in the future? That alone scares the crap out of me.

It happens. Shit happens. Or, in my case, the roller coaster of life, the ups and downs of every day, the reality of all that is challenging to me, seemingly now has the upper hand. My inner defenses and usually bottomless capability of "dealing with it" has left me.

No, I'm not having a nervous breakdown. I don't think I have a feeling of nervousness - more of a feeling of pending dispair. I suppose I'm staring to live in fear instead of in faith - and that may be the source factor in all that I'm experiencing at this moment.

Yep, its happened before, once, maybe twice. But this feeling of insurmountable odds, being squeezed from all sides, feeling like what little control I might have had is now gone, and the inner coping sense that has always served me well is now on hiatus, and I feel naked to the world, displaying all my insecurities, inabilities, incapability, weaknesses, deficiencies, and more.

For weeks now, I've shared with my wife that I'm struggling just to get through each day. By the end of a typical work day, I am literally, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, wanting only to eat a bit and then go to sleep. I awake somewhat refreshed and rejuvenated - thank God I can still sleep like the proverbial log - and it begins all over again. This cycle of instability has gotten old pretty fast, and now its time to do something about it.

I've never given in to this weakness before, but maybe at this age, at this time in my life, at this junction of work/family/life, I have realized this combination is like none other before, and I am about to succumbed to that dreaded"only way out" that is always available to me - medicine.

In this case, that decision to turn to medicine comes with its own weight. My medicinal provider? Kaiser. Enough said............except that I know from having heard it from others - with Kaiser, its not only what THEY discover, but what I choose to tell them at the beginning. So as I prepare for my visit, the only thought that runs through my head is that I will be copping out, succumbing, giving in, and (alas) taking advantage of what only a medical provider can provide - a way out. I'm about to claim stress and the inability to cope, talk about my "feelings" (both mental & emotional), and how my body is now reacting in a physical way. All with one goal in mind - time off to chill.

I believe I simply need a break from my routine. I believe a week or two will serve me well, allow me to get my head on straight, my defense mechanism restored, my inner strength renewed, and my attitude adjusted. I'm not looking for drugs (been there, done that, most of my adult life) - in fact, I'm hoping to avoid anything in the way of mood levelers. A week or two off will allow me to get into a regimen of diet & exercise, reading, writing, and who knows what else.

One things for sure: this eternal optimist, who's glass has always been half full, who has always been able to find a positive amidst a host of negatives, who can always laugh at life as well as at myself - simply can't right now. Hence the need to do something about it....

Music - IS and IN - My Life

2008-12-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

My buddy Gabby's recent blogpost re: music teachers and playing in bands while growing through adolescence has filled my conciousness with many memories and images, so I thought it appropriate to document some of my personal memories.....this is easily an entire chapter in my lifebook, since I am a musician of sorts still, and pretty much have always been one....

My life with music began somewhere around 2 or 3 - in the mid 1950's, before child safety was mainstream. You see, back then, cars mostly had bench seats in the front, and kids of all ages rode in the front seat with their parent(s). For me, the memory is STANDING next to my mom while she drove - often to/from Sacramento-San Francisco (2+ hours). She taught me to sing with her; and eventually, taught me to sing melody while she sang harmony. Her patience with me as she taught me to focus on my own sound and not on other sounds (her voice) were pivotal as my musical life took off.

At 8, I came home to tell my folks I wanted to be in the band. The band teacher - back then, music was part of the curriculum, wedged in with real school subjects and PE, yet done by - needed brass, so he handed me a peck-horn - a small Eb Alto Horn, a smaller baritone-like brass instrument. This lasted maybe a week, as I struggled to figure out that mouthpiece and how to get a sound out of the instrument. Traded in the peck-horn for a saxophone, and the rest is history.

My dad had played sax when he was a kid, so I was motivated to not only follow in dad's footsteps, but to master this instrument. Started out on alto sax, and by 5th grade, moved to tenor sax, where I stayed through highschool and for 3 years of college as my primary instrument. Did my first solo in 5th grade at the Alice Birney Elementary School Annual Talent Show - played the Washington Post March (John Phillip Sousa) - all four stanzas, with repeats and the button at the end, while sitting in a chair at a 45-degree angle to the packed audience, with this massive black music stand in front me. A year later, I did it again - only this time, doing two numbers - a Sousa march (Stars & Stripes, I think), and then the Pink Panther theme, both done by memory (no music or music stand). Learned early about stage fright - have no clue what I sound like, but do remember I played right through every mistake, no matter what, just like I was taught, and something I never forgot.

At Sam Brannan Junior High (Sacramento's ed system then had grades 7-8-9 separately) , I got through 7th grade pretty safely with the teacher, Tom Johnson, and older man with all the passion and knowlege to impress upon his students - at least musically-speaking. This was the year that JFK was assassinated (I'll create an entirely separate post some day on THAT topic), and discovery of the opposite sex (which is also a separate post some day). But in 8th grade, the musical spirits shifted, and Larry Tyrell came into teach band that year; Larry was an exceptional jazz trombone player, and brought me my first experience into other musical styles. Larry created a jazz band, playing a lot of big-band charts,and my sax talents merged with other sax players to create a section, and I was never the same. Dorsey, Gershwin, Ellington, and others began to touch my inner fiber, and I was hungry for any and all experiences. This continued into 9th grade, where I now found myself embracing musical groups outside of school - in particular, the Sacramento Youth Band and DeMolay.

It took me a couple of years to actually joing DeMolay and SYB, after watching performances by my classmates in the groups. But in my sophonmore year at CK McClatchy HS, I joined SYB, and took my music to a whole new level. SYB game me marching band, concert band, jazz band, and even singing (!). This continued through my junior & senior high years at JFK, where I graduated in 1969. Many, many parades and football games (marching band) and basketball games (pep band) and concerts (concert & jazz band), and even competitions (jazz band) and festivals (marching bands from multiple schools on the same field at the same time). Which all led to the pivotal point of my young life, the summer of 1969.

Following HS graduation, my best friend Ron (a Jewish Cantor's son, which worked perfectly for me, the "proper" Catholic boy) had enrolled at Sac City (junior, community) College, and about two weeks after enrollment and class selection, I got this call out of the blue from a girlfriend (Margie Ferguson) to come to dinner and meet her sister's boyfriend Bill Nicolosi. Bill was the asst. band director at San Jose State University, and was "recruiting". That dinner led to a similar meeting at Ron's house, and the next week, Ron and I found ourselves driving to San Jose. Literally, we (a) filled out admission forms, and watched them stamp "ADMITTED" in red ink on the forms, (b) filled out dorm housing forms, and watched them stamp "ASSIGNED TO MARKHAM HALL", and (c) tuition scholarship forms, and watched them stamp "PAID". In about 3 hours, Ron and I were in San Jose State as 17-year old freshmen on a full-tuition-paid scholarship - just so we could march in SJS's marching band!

That's it for now - because college-age music took on an entirely unique "bent" - for we were hardly ever "straight" - remember, this was 1969 (!)......suffice it to say that music in my youth set the table for the feast I have enjoyed throughout my life. And I haven't even shared the music that influenced me - and entire generation - the music from 1964 to 1976 (right up to the Disco age)....

Back in the Blog-Saddle Again

2008-12-06T08:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my friends and family, who seemingly never say outright what I "should" do, and instead just fill me with love and knowledge and perspective, hoping I deduce effectively and act accordingly...........I am returning with (semi) commitment to blogging.........

My last post was in March, as I was in the airport returning from Africa. The chronicles of that safari-like experience are there for the taking, but its time I now do what I believe I "should" - continue to blog without a specific purpose in mind, as was the case of creating the blog for the Africa trip.

So what has happened in the last 8-9 months? While I could begin to backtrace, instead I will just say "life", with all its ups and downs, pro's and con's, etc. For certain, as I allow myself to step back through this year, I conclude only that I am SO blessed, fortunate, and just where God wants me (whatever that really means).

This year, I have endured, survived, thrived, prospered, learned, and more. Far more than just "marking time", I have contributed to myself, my family, my friends, my church, my community in a variety of ways.

Simultaneously, I have learned from, leaned on, relied on, interacted with, used, abused, laughed and cried, planned and executed, and more - with that very same audience of family, friends, etc.

In all of this year, and in my annual reflection of 2008, I realize both my dependency on others, as well as my independent nature. I am not complete by myself; more than just a comfort level, I simply do not exist as a full-functioning life form without human interaction and purpose. In this single reflection now comes new perspective and new commitment to continue my life journey embracing all that is within, and all that is around. After 56+ years, its about freekin' time.

So, to my readers, I resolve to periodically (for it wouild be foolish to state "daily") use this forum for providing insights into the essence of PortaWop Logic....

2008-03-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 3/18 - Sacramento, CA..........back at the office, coming back to earth squarely, after having been in the clouds (literally) for the last two days, and certainly, my emotions have been way out and around, and now are starting to come back to center. My sensations have been on max overload for 10 days, so its quite refreshing to come back to normalcy, if you can call this life I lead, anything close to normal.....

The memories are still fresh, especially as I re-read parts of the blog written during the trip. I am hopefully of putting together a composite story at some point, as I fill in each day with the full scope of experiences, and as I get pictures sent to me. Having lost the camera before I even got to Africa was so seemingly a tragedy - yet one which turned out not to be, for it put the emphasis on consciousness, on my writing skills, and on my commitment to live it and experience it as fully as possible, without reliance on a single or multiple images to convey my own reality.

I sure do love sharing this trip, and all of its details, with others. My co-workers tell me it was so obviously a positive experience for me, for the manner in which I tell parts of the trip are full of energy and excitement and impact. I continue to learn things about myself and what this trip meant to me, every time I tell someone about it.....

Almost home - last leg coming up

2008-03-16T22:40:00.001-07:00

Sunday 3/16/08 about 4pm – Nairobi, Kenya airport - waiting about 6 hours before flight to Amsterdam

Sitting in the Java Lounge, at the far end of the airport, where I didn’t walk the last time I was here on the way to Rwanda. Quaint, international – coffees, teas, sodas, juices, beer & wine, and HOT DOGS ! With a soccer game on viewable from one of three different screens, I think I can kill these next 5 hours without a ton of difficulty. All kinds of nationalities present – many different Africans, Eurpeans, and Americans (different languages being spoken), A member of the US state department security force is talking with a Brit who’s also in security – all I can hear is about the preparations for G7 (international conference). But they stop long enough to cheer as a GOOOOOOAL has just been scored on a brilliant header! There’s a gentleman reading Bill Clinton’s biography, another reading the bible. And women reading whatever the equivalent is of the National Enquirer…..

Hot Dog is actually a chicken frank, microwave’d, just like I like ‘em…..bland bun, needs mustard – ahhhh, that’s better. Hmmm… not bad. ‘Course, with a beer, even cardboard and mustard would work…now then.....what to do - ahhh.....shopping for trinkets before leaving Africa....

6:30am Sitting in the Amsterdam airport, having left Kenya..........sat on the ground in Kenya for about an hour longer than planned, as they had to fix the in-cabin air conditioning (good thing, lots of passengers on this flight have never been educated on body odor & deoderant.......anyway, nice middle-of-the-night flight, slept about 3 hours, watched a movie (don't know the name of it, but it was really good, about a child prodigy musician who is abandoned at birth, only to have his birth mother & father reunite at the same time that they find himi - she's a concert cellist, he's a rock guitarist/singer).....

So, Amsterdam doesn't wake up until 9am, so there's no point in going into town this morning, as nothing will be open.....this airport is a city by itself, so there's plenty to do and see - as soon as I'm done with this blog posting, I'm going to find a locker, stash my carry-ons, and go sightseeing, for sure stopping in at the casino and the massage place, just like I do passing through a week ago.....

What an amazing trip, made all the better by this ability to blog and record my thoughts/experiences in real time. A great journal for me to reflect on later as I relate all the details of this trip.

Much thanks to all of you who've read this blog, and have left comments or sent email- GREAT to have this connection with friends and family, letting me know that YOU have read the blog care enough to comment.

I am so impressed with this side of the world - in many, many ways, more advanced and logically thinking that the USA. I have had NO experiences of the ugly American kind - everyone has been extremely friendly and helpful and accomodating, and other Americans I've talked with say much the same thing.

Leaving Kigali, Rwanda

2008-03-16T02:26:00.000-07:00

In about an hour, I'll leave for the airport, flying home - thru Nairobi, Kenya airport (4 hour layover, cannot leave the airport) - 8 hours to Amsterday, with a 6-hour layover (going back downtown) - and then 10 hours to San Francisco, getting me home (God willing) around 2pm on Monday 3/17, and hopefully back to Sacramento in time to pick up the boys from daycare as a surprise.....

So here is my sendoff from Rwanda...............awoke around 6:30 to dogs and birds, but no military chants. After all, its Sunday....breakfast was served at 7:30, and during breakfast the sounds from the churches in the neighborhood started - music and clapping and singing and shouting, and I just had to go see. God is simply amazing...........

I ask our cook, who speaks very little English, if she is a Christian. She says yes, so I ask her if she would accompany me to a church where I hear the music, and she said yes. So we walked a few blocks, and into a side lot, through the rubble of building obviously incomplete in its construction, but adjacent to a 4-story apartment-like high-rise. We enter into a worship service, and again, the entire room turns around to see the two visitors. Maybe about 75 in total, seated in folding chairs, in a large cavernous open-air warehouse, no windows, no doors, no ceiling, cloths over some of the windows, forming a backdrop of sorts for where the head table/pulpit is located. There is a keyboard, mini-sound system, four microphones with cords frayed and hardly functional - but it works. And when they sing - whether purely African or something Amercian contemporary done in another language - the local rhythms are blended beautifully, and the voices are richly soulfull. And the clapping is totally unique, giving me a bit of challenge (on 1 or 2?)....

We are asked to sit up front, they make room, and a gentleman in a suit & tie comes and sits next to me, and begins to speak in beautiful english. Explains to me that this place - Solace Ministires - is the only one of its kind in Rwanda. While there are plenty of organizations targetted at the survivors of the genocide, this is the only one that is spirtually-based. It is led almost entirely by women - widows of the horror - and by teens and 20-somethings - orphans of the tragedy, and all are deeply spirtitual in their faith in God for having them in this place at this time, comforting each other, and helping each other move on each day.

They ask me if I would like to speak, and of course I say yes. I tell them of the Rwanda I have come to know after being here a week. I tell them there are many permanent impressions I take back with me, but God has brought me here today for one lasting impression. I tell them I know God is in this place, for he has brought you all together, and keeps you all together, to grow again in His light, just as the whole country is growing again. And that some things need time, and other things need people, and everything needs God. I tell them that I know that the bible teaches us that in those times, the teachers and communicators in society were women - the men were always at work or in leadership. I tell them I have seen God's work today, for the women are teaching and communicating.

The genocide was 12 years ago - but for many (as I am told), this is the 10-year anniversary for many, who literally went into shock for about 2 years when they lost their mother, father, siblings, relatives, friends, neighbors, towns, etc.....so for many, this is a time of reflection, not only as they began to realize their own survival, but for the recovery periods since, and the others each has helped to join this community of survivors.

They speak openly, and sing openly, of the horrors of death, but also openly of the joy of being in God's light, knowing he has them all there for a reason, and every day they live in purpose for God's plan. Just a beautiful service, warm smiles and hugs by many as I left.

On our way out, that gentleman who greeted me initially, gave me a brochure and business card - knowing that I am now engaged emotionally. I will attempt to honor that engagement. I believe I have realized yet another reason God sent me here. If and when I come back, I will bring my guitar and sheet music, and join in with this group's worship team. And I will hopefully be able to support and participate in this ministry, whether here or in California.

Off to the airport.....

The Reason I'm Here

2008-03-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

So today was the day I have been waiting for since finding out I was for sure coming to Rwanda. Today I visited the genocide memorial.

To say it was a unique and life-impacting experience only begins to tell the story. The manner in which the horrific reality is presented is numbing. The facts are astounding. The political nature of it all, and how easily it could have been avoided, and how virtually every country in the world turned its back and pretended not to notice. I could go on and on, but I won't.

I will say it is an incredibly moving experience. Graphic in many details, both visually and in the lectures, signs and printed materials. Survivors who's only peace is by talking about their story every day. I won't give you ugly details of any kind - if you want to know more, simply Google the phrase (rwanda genocide memorial) and click on the official link (don't know how many others are out there). This platform (to the right) actually sits over a mass grave, estimated at 1200.

My understanding is that for every skull you see, there's 100 more that are buried in mass unidentified plots throughout the country. Whenever one is found, there's a government staff responsible for complete documentation, so they exume every body and do DNA, teeth, bone structure, and every other possible identification they can - and then they began to match against a known "missing persons" list - the same list that is on full display, showing as "lost", with a few names scratched out now and then, indicating they identified someone. The process of chronicaling the deceased, considering entire towns were 100% wiped out, has been an amazing process, one which gets no ink at all.

What was an inspiration, in the midst of all this reality of vicious death, were the stories of the survivors, and how they live to rebuild Rwanda stronger, and never let the world forget. The amount of shame the rest of the world feels is shown in its efforts to bring this country back to something even better. And there are a lot of humanitarian and commerical businesses from all over the world who are doing what they can - and want - to do.

Saturday morning - 3/15/07 - Kigali, Rwanda

2008-03-14T22:18:00.000-07:00

Absolutely the coolest thing about being here is being able to get to the Internet, and over a decently-fast-enough connection, right from the condo. That has not only enabled this blog, but also chat sessions with my wife and kids and friends (that happen to be on early AM or late PM).

Woke this morning at 5:45am to the sound of birds, dogs, and the local army training guys, who seemed to decide that Saturday morning, they can do field drills at the schoolyard just down the street. SO, again, the entire neighborhood awakes to loud chants, songs, command responses, and other typically military training stuff. The dogs are going nuts because they are adjacent to the schoolyard. Ahhh, Kigali......

So have chatted with Cori, got messages relayed from the boys, and read my emails this AM. My emails include the comments people who've read this blog have authored, as well as folks who are just emailing me in general. And then there's the real job - where I've actually read my emails there - some 150 of them - instead of waiting to come home to them. I've even sent some short replies. I think I'm ready to come home now. I have successfully adapted my normal lifestyle hunkered around a keyboard & screen, doing what I do, from wherever I am.

Cook has arrived, breakfast aromas fill the house, and I'm starved. For whatever reason, I cannot communicate effectively with this woman - she speaks and understands english a little. How hard is it to make the coffee before doing anything else? And more than just one cup at a time. Jeez, the hired help one gets these days.....

dibbee-da-dibbee-da-dibbee-da-dibbee.............That's All, Folks !!

Friday night in Kigali (3-14-08)

2008-03-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

So tonight is the night folks from the bush come into town, and folks in town find friends and go cruisin' - so there's a ton of TRAFFIC. Yep, good ol' smog chokin' bumper-to-bumper cars and trucks and busses and motorcylces and pedestrians and bicyclists. So we opted to wander over to the Novotel hotel (next door) for a drink to kill time. Get this

So at the Novotel, if you're not a guest, you can still participate like a guest - you pay 4,000 francs (about $7), and you get anything you want on the property. Olympic size swimming pool, pool service, shuffleboard, darts, volleyball, and clay tennis courts. So we lounged at the pool and had a beer. Met a guy, struck up a conversation, and he's from Uganda, and one thing leads to another, and business cards are exchanged, and you just never know....Great conversation, regardless.....As we were getting ready to leave, the 3-piece band starts up, and they're playing O Ye Como Va by Santana (2nd album - Abraxas), and the guy on guitar is pretty darn good. So I hang around a little, and next he starts playing jazz - Dave Brubeck's Take 5 - and the guitar player does the sax part, and I'm thinking "Wait, this is Rwanda, right? Where'd this guy come from?". So after the song, I ask him, and he lived in LA for 7 years with his brother, and learned to play guitar there, then came home two years ago and put together this band. And they were execellent. Nice treat.

Then we went for Indian food. And the entire wait staff -about20 or so tall African men trying to look like Arabs, with the fez and the pointy shoes and the sashes, and they treat one table to a unique rendition of Happy Birthday, done in four different languages, then it breaks into a Tanzanian song, inclusive of the phrase - I swear this on my mother's round steak & spaghetti dinner - Hakuna Matata. Dang, this culture is just amazing...

A Little Geography

2008-03-14T05:51:00.001-07:00

Check out the map. I have been as far south as past Butare (about 2km from the border of Burundi)

- the large lake to the west; seems its now a top-end tourist attraction at both the top and bottom ends of the lake. At the top, its a great place to enter into Gorilla country, which is just inside the border from the Congo; at the bottom of the lake, there are 3-4 post 5* exclusive resorts, where the jet-setters from Europe and Asia come.

- the smattering of lakes to the far east, near Tanzania. Supposed to be the best fishing on the continent.

- the city that is Kigali. Not at all what you would expect, given the genocide of 1994. But I assure you its a thriving city, with a lot of very good going for it.

3-14-08 - Rwanda Spirit at 6am

2008-03-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

Last night, after posting to the blog, decided to venture out into this part of the city we're living in. Alone, I was a bit concerned as to how I would fare having no clue how to communicate, and just trying to keep landmarks in mind as I began to wander around. Easy landmark is the condo complex itself - four 6-story buildings of a distinctive coloring. And right next to the Novotel hotel, also a 6-storey facility, large, easy to sport from a distance.

One thing about this area - there's more lights on the street than in many other areas. So, even in dimness, I can at least see what's around me. Yes, people see me as the one who is out of place, and therefore think nothing of approaching and asking for a handout. But like in California, I guess I can easily wave a hand up or shake my head side to side and the person gets the "no" message pretty easily. It doesn't happen in volume, but it does happen.

So I wander about 4-5 blocks, and I then hear those awesome sounds of voices singing in distinctive African language and rhythm. And this time there's drums, too. So I just follow the voices, and as they get louder, I pick up my pace a bit, hoping not to miss more than necessary. Sure enough, I find its a church - Lutheran - and I wander in.

Not only am I the only white person in the church, but I am the only one dressed casually. But it does not seem to matter, as after virtually everyone sneaking a peak at me, they go back to their worship. I find a seat in a pew near the back of the room, and just absorb it all in. The music and singing is unbelievably up-beat, as they are in full praise and worship. The hand clapping, swaying, foot-stomping, somewhat coordinated - and all done without so much as anyone looking like a worship leader. One song ends, a few moments of catching their breadth, and right into the next song. I sit through three of these songs - long, rhythmic, loud, spiritual, and energetic. Then, a man comes to the center, dressed in just a business suit with tie, and begins to speak in Rwandese.

There's about 40-50 people in the pews; maybe another 30 singers & drummers. All have taken a seat, and the place is stone quiet while the man speaks. After about 10 minutes, he smiles, pauses, and everyone turns around and looks at me simultaneously. The man speaks, in almost perfect English, "welcome sir, to the Lord's house. You are welcome to worship with us."
Everyone is smiling at me. I stand, say "thank you", and wave to all. They clap and laugh!

And then the preaching continues for another 10 minutes or so. Somewhat akin to fire and brimstone, for the preacher is absolutely into it (whatever it is he's saying). Speaking with passion and purpose, he finally gets the Rwandan equivalent to "amen" shouted in unison, and then the singing and drums erupt again. I am standing now, clapping to the music, and starting to "get" the song in its repeated rhythyms (but certainly not any lyrics). I find myself fully embraced in God's arms, knowing I am right where I am meant to be.

The singing and preaching repeat itself again, and I notice on my watch I've been there for almost an hour, so I quietly extract myself to the rear door. One last look back up front, and the preacher is smiling and waving to me. I wave and smile back, mouth a "thank you" and I'm out the door. I walk about a block away and can still clearly hear the sweet, sweet music and worship taking place....

And that is how it is here........churches seemingly everywhere, each with their own demonination, their own "way", but consistent in their commitment to their God, as well as their native ways of experiencing his presence.

I found my way back to the condo complex easily, and was in bed and out by 10pm. Awoke this morning at 5am, to what sounded like shouting at first, and then as something done in unison. I found the window, and spotted the source - its a military training taking place, a group of some 50 men or so, all in boots, fatigue pants, white t-shirts - running in formation, and chanting/yelling as they go, waking up the entire neighborhood if they can, and laughing and loving themselves as they go on their morning run. Like the church experience, this is not the typical USA approach to drills - this is uniquely African, for thier chants/songs are full and deep and LOUD, and there seems to be multiple "leaders" who are screaming out individually when the entire chorus of the troops is not in unison. Yelps and whoops and echo-responses and outright singing - all done at the top of their lungs, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there's at least 5,000 people sleeping at 6am.........AWESOME! A take this one as a real treat, for its so out of place and yet so African in its purity.

Rwanda - 3-13-08

2008-03-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

Lessee, now.....its Thursday, right? I have not seen a calendar for a number of days now - not that it matters, for being here is simply a one-day-at-a-time strategy.....

First meeting this morning was at another GoR (Government of Rwanda) office - this one about travel & tourism. I was invited to contribute my experiences coming into the country and now being here almost a week. Naturally, I told them I expected more than I have realized - more negativity, certainly not more blessings. They loved hearing how happy I was to be here and how great all of the people have been, even when they realize I don't speak a lick (or click) of Rwandanese or Swahili.

After the meeting, went to lunch in a local "strip mall" - lol - that's American for Rwandan shacks stacked next to each other. Each shack has a lift door, and inside are the wares for sales. Kinda like a flea market, except you have to navigate through wall-to-wall people to get to where you can see things.....and then when you think you have something in mind to buy, it takes a minute or two for them to find someone who speaks english. Then the fun begins - price hagggling. So it saved 40% over the initial quote by the time I walked out - and I'm satisfied with that. Nope, not telling what I bought - you'll just have to see when I get home.

The lunch was an awesome buffett - all-you-can-stack-on-one-plate (no return trips). So the heaps were quite high - but quality rice, potatoes, spaghetti, beef, chicken, brocolli (YEAH!), spinach (sweet!). And Fanta Orange in a bottle. way cool, for about $2 (1600 Rwanda francs).

The afternoon has been spent in a very unique business meeting - where I have had to contribute repeatedly my knowledge of parlaimentary procedure. At the end of the meeting, they asked where I learned this stuff, and when I told them Toastmasters, then did not understand until I explained it has nothing to do with bread. They laughed also when I explained about "toasting" - something Rwandans culturally do for just about any reason, and can't understand why anyone needs to learn how to make a congratulation or award with a glass of alcohol. But then they understood the principle of improving one's public speaking and communication & leadership skills. I am going to have to start a TM club in Rwanda !

Still loving all the local fare....but weather turned nasty around 3pm this afternoon - torrential rans with lightning that has lasted until darkness hit about 6pm, now just windy still.......

Tomorrow - back to the bush !

Into the Bush - Wednesday, Rwanda, Africa

2008-03-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Pictures have been added to today and yesterday's postings

3/13/08: - 7am in Kigali, Rwanda, Africa. In the condo, typing to a dawn in what is very much a comfortable city to be in. Other than not being able to speak or understand the language, life goes on. Online means ability to post this blog, and simultaneously have a chat window open with my wife. But here's my notes from yesterda y afternoon, which were written from the backseat of an small SUV at about 7pm as we drove back from the bush.

3/12/08 – afternoon; about 75 degrees F, little humidity, quite pleasant as the sun shines brightly. We are tkaing a field trip to the southern province, to the development of Kabrizi, and to Mayaga Coffee Plantation, with Scott Wagner. We are assisting with the distribution of new seeds and the education of local citizens for the growiung of Jatropha trees.

Jatropha trees will be "intercropping" with coffee plants, and are planted on terraced hillsides, valleys, and high plateaus, where coffee plants now grow. Coffee is the number one crop in the country, and Jatropha trees can actually help increase both the quantity and the quality of the coffee plants - wherever the soil is rich and the common techniques for farming are employed (water, drainage, maintenance). Growing is done in organized sections & strategies relative to density per sq. meter, within the boundries of the available land. Yes, there are formal plots of land and land ownership (title) virtually everywhere in the country - either the Government or someone - or a company - owns the land, or leases it.

Along the way, miles & miles of unkept dirt roads, winding over and around hills and through housing “developments:” – 30 or 40 of a variety of buildings, from mud huts with palm leave roofs, to adobe and cinder block one/two-room (or doors) with metal roofs, to wood frame structures of all shapes and sizes (all one story) with tile roofs. The newer the dwelling, the better the building materials and techniques used (like site location & preparation). Absolutely nothing in the way of utilities – no running water, sewage systems, electricity, etc. Lushness everywhere.

3+ hours after leaving Kigali, we are way south, almost near the Burundi border, there'a a cofee washing station at this location, a new facility built with American ingenuity upon a terraced hillside, taking advantage of gravity and water-based filtering/sifting techniques. These washing stations are probably the ideal collection points for Jatropha harvests, utilizing the same labor and facility (just not the same machinery & techniques). I'll have some pictures on this soon. Geographically dispersed, relative to the coffee farms and larger plantations, the washing stations (Jatropha collection centers) are the first step in the Jatropha harvest. As with coffee harvest, the initial process is about removing both the bad/unwanted seeds (beans) and keeping only the desired ones. In this process of segmentation and filtering, there is a resideue (“pulp”) which results. For both coffee & Jatropha, the pulp is turned into compost and used during new planting & plant maintenance. Jatropha production facilities will be based on geographic proximity to the washing stations, relative to major roads to minimize the transportation impact.....which are all relative to where local population can be utilized as workers. There is NO transportation system - everyone walks, unless you have a bicycle or motorcycle. Virtually no cars anywhere except for government and police. So to be successful, we have come to the location. We delivered about an hour's work of education ,through two different translators - one for those who speak Ruwandan, and one for those who speak Swahili. Taught them a little about what we are doing, then showed them how to do it, then helped them do it, then watched them do it. Then we celebrated - pictures coming. Different route on the way out, took us through more jungle and lush forest than the civilization we saw driving in. Lots of beef - cattle, with horns, and not much bulk. Didn't see any signs of cattle production - no calves seen at all on this trip. Dinner back in Kigali at 8pm - MEXICAN ! And, for Ruwanda, not bad at all. Had beef fajitas, prepared just like you would get it back in California, with rice & beans, sizzingly platter of beef strips, onions, bell peppers (or something equivalent), tomatoes but no spices in the mix. And no cheese !! Only problem were the tortillas, which were more asian-style (very thin) and did not hold up well as a wrap. But the food -and the local beer - were excellent. Written from the back of a Toyota Rav4 small SUV, on the main rode back to Kigali from the southern border.....

Wednesday morning at 3am

2008-03-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

Today's blog title was also the title of an album in the 60's from Simon & Garfunkel.....and most definitely appropriate, for I was up on finger-tapping at 3am this morning.....

Today is Wed 3/12/08 in Kigale, Rwanda - from the condo, there's a fine mist hanging over the city, kinda like a fog, but you can see clearly for long distances. Sun is shining, probably around 70 degrees, moderate humidity. Very nice climate to work in....

Meetings last night wen into late hours; I finally crashed after a barely-could-be-called-a-pizza and two Fanta Oranges. Everything in bottles here - no cans, and no plastic bags allowed in the country. I was asleep by 10pm last night, but emails I got this morning indicate discussions continued well after midnight.

Gonna try and find a regular-film camera today.....and have a local buy it for me so the gouging is minimal....one thing - I have not seen postacrds from Rwanda - for some reason, not the typical touristy commercialism

Tuesday afternoon - 3/11/08

2008-03-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

A full day of meetings and strategies with local Rwandans of all shapes & sizes and ranks & responsibilities, and then some.....so much to document, so I won't bother.....except:

Visited the Rwandan equivalent of Starbucks. A multi-level full restaurant, specializing in many international & local coffees & teas, and a full service restaurant, complete with a cyber cafe of wi-fi internet. If you drink there, you get 1/2 hour free, if you eat there, you get 1 hour free - per person at the table. So our meeting at this place - called Bourbon Street (!) - took 2 hours, and I was connected the entire time, doing online research of many different types, as well as sending/answering e-mails. So had a number of different coffee drinks, and a cheeseburger (!) - and man, I was prettymuch in heaven....

Bourbon Street was in the middle of a multi-story shopping complex of retail shops & services. So, went shopping for a camera. Found that because I'm a white foreigner, I've got one price, while locals have another price. What began with a quote of a simple 3.5 megapixel Sony camera at over $500US, came down to $250 as we walked away. I may go back tomorrow if I can't find a better deal. Or may instead buy a cheap film camera, film and just get pix processed when I get home. Stay tuned....

I need a nap........

Tuesday AM - 3/11/08

2008-03-10T22:15:00.001-07:00

I am well, healthy, tired, excited, focused, challenged, and a lot more. Maybe I can put some thought to what I'm "feeling". You should have no concern for me, just as long as I keep up the daily blog and/or email, and you'll know by what you read that I am alive and well.

Literally, Rwanda is a country very much in recovery AND growth, but on the seemingly right recovery and growth direction. President has an annually-updated document he authored - VISION 2020 - with major focal points of housing, medicine, commerce (taxes vary), transportation (incl. roads), utilities (power, sewage, water), education, military, and all have visible successes in one way or another. It has the still-visible history of being poor and under-developed - and an aire of "never forget" relative to the genocide; interspersed in Kigale and the suburbs (about 750,000 live in this area) are moden buildings and almost-modern buildings. Roads are surprisingly good, since only about 10% are paved, rest is dirt/clay/mud so 4-wheeling is safest way, while 2-wheel bikes & cycles are everywhere. Local taxi service is either a 2-seat, 125cc motorbike or a 12-passenger van-like bus, and you always have to haggle the price before you get in.

Breakfast yesterday was fresh fruits, bread, coffee, and scrambled eggs. Pretty groggy still, even after two cups of joe, definitely still recovering from long flights and time zone changes.

Meetings in our condo began about 9am, lasted until noon, when we all piled into a Land Rover and headed to the eastern province, near the border of Tanzania, to small community of Ramalama (sp?), where we met the Governor of the province (and his staff). He has actually just been promoted, and is in last days of Governor, about to become Minister of Education for the entire country. American-educated, very sharp and on top of everything. We delivered a ½ ton of seeds for Jatropha trees, to be planted over next 1-2 months. We were then treated to dinner at the Governor's villa – modestly large, complete with armed security and a full staff of hired help. Dinner was excellent – sausages, chicken, pork, beef shish-ka-bob like with bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, with a side dishes that looked like cooked bananas but actually tasted like potatoes. Language throughout the evening was mixture of English, French, Swahili and Rwandan, with many able to converse in all four – just not me. But its amazing what conversations you can follow in your own imagination......

Trip out to this eastern area - left early afternoon, took about 3 hours, as we were heavily loaded on top with the bags of seeds. Trip back also took 3 hours as we were in a downpour almost the whole way. The good news – back in our room safe. The ride was uneventful, save for having only one windshield wiper (thankfully on the driver’s side), and virtually no lights the entire way until we got into the capital city – with a lot of pedestrians on both sides of the road, walking on the asphalt until a car gets close and then stepping into the mud on the shoulder. I slept about 20 minutes in the car, but am absolutely exhausted and hitting the rack at just after 9pm. Didn't even get this posted until today because last night I was downloading a Windows update for the new laptop I brought here for another guy, and the one Ethernet connection we have ain’t the fastest in the world…..

Monday 3-10-08 in Kigale, Rwanda

2008-03-09T22:41:00.001-07:00

Nothing like a good night's sleep - a solid 7 hours after a 3 hour nap - do believe I'm pretty normal feeling and maybe thinking clearly.....

Overcast, but still a beautiful view from this high up......gotta get a camera today and start capturing this before it slips away....

Definitely a full schedule of activities planned for today......can't wait to write about it tonight....

What Time Is It?

2008-03-09T12:13:00.001-07:00

3/9/08 – Kigali, Rwanda, Africa –

Does anybody know what time it is?
Does anbody really care?
If so, I can't imagine why.
We've all got time enough to fly.
- Chicago, first album, 1968

I know what these guys were talking about. Time enough to fly means it can take a long time to
get there, but the journey is worth it. Rwanda - and how I will experience this next week - is proof already to me.

Flight in was uneventful……sort of……had the camera stolen. Right where I was sitting, while I dozed in a chair in the Amsterdam airport during last two hours of that leg. Thank goodness they didn’t take my laptop or other bag. But, that means until I get another one to use, no pictures, at least not visual ones. But as for word pictures -

Wow! MUCH more than I thought. A San-Francisco-like setting; rolling hills with buildings of all shapes and sizes everywhere. Many paved roads, many hard dirt. It’s the rainy season right now, so the 4-wheel drive we have will probably come in handy on the dirt and mud.

Was greeted at the airport by Phil & Andrew; airport sits on a bluff east of town, so the drive in took 10-15 minutes. They first took me the home they’ve been staying at for the last week; then we went to our new corporate condo (we skipped the Novatel). Condo is in a 6-story building (we’re 4th floor, with balcony) – 3 BR, 1 full bath (w/ tub/shower and separate toilet room, kitcen, dining area adjacent to small living room that walks out to the balcony, where you can see a very long distrance – reminds me of when I lived in Hawaii (Manoa Valley, above the university, overlooking Waikiki and Honolulu). Able to see across the valley to the far hillside, and all the buildings in between. Uhh…did I say this was nice set of digs?

Cook arrives at 6pm to start dinner – she supposedly specializes in Asian and Italian, has been working last 2-3 years for various Government officials (who go in and out of office every year), and other visiting business people doing business with the government. So I think I’m going to eat well while here, just eat smartly and carefully. Uhh….did I say this was an all-expenses paid trip?

Buildings are everywhere. While there are certainly signs of zoning, or at least common usage, for the most part its anything anywhere. Houses, apartments, condo’s in volume; many are new (< 3 years old) so the modernization is evident. But the ramble shacks and old single-story cylinder block homes, some with metal roofs. No “yards” or fencing, just one home next to another, sometimes space, sometimes not. Full developments of new housing is very visible – out one window, I can see 100+ units, all 3 stories (probably apartments); out the balcony, I can see lush mini-forests, interspersed with custom homes and hotels/condo’s/apartments, most built as one at a time, so architecture is all over the map, as are colors, though earth tones are everywhere – nothing loud or improper. Adds charm……Uhhh….did I say its 77 degrees, with about 85 humidity? And NOW the sky is blue..

On the way in from the airport, at a stop light, with windows open for air (very humid), heard voices singing, rare combination of African and Christian, but make no mistake. About 50 yards past the roundabout with lights (first one I’ve ever seen), a clearing and a sign for a Presbyterian church, and a long 2-lane road leading back to the actual (large building) church. Sweeeet……

Passed by the government buildings, which also sit high on a hill, with a mix of modern and older buildings to form a government complex, with signs and plaques identifying the various ministries of government.
Winded up a hill on paved cobblestone streets about a mile to this gated, guarded (complete with shoulder-strapped rifle) condo complex, where I write this from the dining table with an Ethernet connection, but it requires a specific password, which nobody is here to give to me (they went to eat, I’m not hungry), so I’m just composing in MS-Word. It rained here for about 20 minutes, just like the tropics – then it stopped, and sun is trying to break through low clouds. But everything is crystal clear, and smells good outside, as civilization noises return (honks, buses, cars, trucks, airplanes).

So far, no sign of mosquitoes, but all three bedrooms have mosquito nets over the bed. How good it will be sleep on a mattress tonight. Over last two days, have slept maybe 6 hours total, so am about to finish this and catch 40 winks……

====

9pm, Kigale-time, Sunday night, 3-9-08

Just woke up from what seems like only a few hours but was really four hours of nap time. Zonked out thoroughly, feel physically just fine, but mentally a bit frayed on the edges....

Connectivity this week should be a piece of cake....in fact, about to get even better......but that's another story....

A little hungry - Phil left a not that there's no cook tonight and he went out for dinner....wonder where that leaves me. OK 'cuz I got bottled water and trail mix......

Dark now, just went out on the balcony and "felt" the city/country/continent. Sounds of vehicles, and humans. Lots of singing - African spirituals, puctuated with loud shouts & drums. Very cool.

Nairobi, Kenya 3-9-08

2008-03-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

8:20 in the AM, 8+ hours from Amsterdam (slept about 1/2 of that trip), now full of a double mocha and a hot dog and sitting in the airport's only cyber cafe, unable to plug in my laptop, so no pix for now.....flying in this AM, over the jungle was the sun came up, was awesome - saw Lake Victoria clear as day (kinda like Lake Tahoe in size) and Killimanjaro in the distance (dang, big hill !....in the landing approach, just as I was told, flew over a game preserve, and saw a herd of zebra's bolting in the wide open spaces - very clear and very cool to see, but my camera was up in the above bin, so no pix...

Was so caught up in yesterday's experience, forgot to write about one morsel - the Vincent Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam.....about a two hour walk-thru, in a building that's two stories and about 300 years old (or more?)....killer architecture inside and out, pristinely clean, but the artwork did nothing for me......

Killing 4 hours here in Kenya airport, no desire to venture out into Nairobi proper, so will just stay in the airport until hop flight to Rwanda..... maybe will be on a small leer jet and not a prop-job puddle jumper....plenty of those Kenya Airlines small jets all over the airport....humid as heck here in the airport, now sitting directly under a fan while I type.

Enough for now - going shopping for trinkets.....

Amsterdam - Part 2 - 3-8-08

2008-03-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

OK, then, now we have pix...........off the plane at 10:30, shopped for a while, took the train into town, and now back in the airport with wi-fi for free, so blogging it for a while......Man, what a cool city. Narrow streets, tons of bicylists, hardly any cars, everyone rides or walks. Walked all over these winding streets, saw the Red Light District (from a distance, honest), shopped at all sorts of stores, but mostly looked and gagged at prices. Absolutely a hopping airport - bigger than SFO, bout like LAX - with a shopping mall in size and different & same stores both inside security and out. Security is just like USA airports, about identical. Paying for things in euro's is the easist, but man the conversion rate and fees suck - so about $20 in credit card charges today.

But the absolute highlight of this trip so far is what occured when I got inside security this afteroon (I'm waiting for my Amsterdam-to-Nairobi, Kenya leg, about 3 hours from now. There's a casino in the airport! Holland Casino. So I stopped in for a little blackjack - minimum 5 Euro's. Started with 24 Euro's in coins, grew it to over 150. Cashed out, went and got a 20-minute chair massage, and bought a neck pillow to sleep on this next flight. NICE !

The Excursion - Day 1

2008-03-08T04:01:00.000-08:00

OMG - I'm in Europe ! Amsterdam is beautiful, even if on only 2-3 hours of sleep on the plane. But KLM is a nice airlines - good food, good service, no leg room, window seat, so geting to the bathrom was a challenge. Large city, quality airport and suround retail - clean, friendly, info booths (no map, no clue so I asked for help all the time. Met a young man from California originaly Japan, who lives in Torrance and is an engineer, likes Pink Floyd, has a son (I showed him mine), and who also was in Amsterdam by himself and for the first time. Very cool indeed, but I can't download pix çuz I'm on paid time 4 Euro's for abount 30 minutes. Gotta check and send some emails, so all for now.

O M G !!

2008-03-07T05:12:00.000-08:00

The day is finally here. Up at 4am, unable to sleep more, excitement and anticipation flowing through me at mach speed.......simply not enough room in the suitcase............simply not enough time to even make a list of things to do and things not to forget to do and things not to forget and things to learn/read on the Internet about travel safety, sleep, foreign cities, etc.....

But my friends have come forward with tips and techniques in abundance, from what to in the airports, to what to carry, to what to do on the plane rides, and what to do in the cities..... SO much thanks to all who have contributed ! Gives me an element of inner peace.....that is, as long as I don't fret about my laptop not working and my inability to look at all thsoe tips and techniques on the screen.........CRAP ! Not even enought time to print them out.....

T-MINUS ONE DAY !!!!

2008-03-06T20:57:00.001-08:00

After four consecutive 12+ hour work days, I think I can now take this trip, having earned it.......and now the fun begins - PACKING ! I think I will be smart and take only enough clothes to last a week (my total stay) instead of two (my normal packing strategy). And, just in case my suitcase is lost, I'll be sure to wear two pairs of underwear, socks, pants layers of shirts & sweaters, and make customs think I 'm packing something.....actually, if they do lose my luggage, I know of a place I can shop at in Rwanda.....not only for pants, but also for motorcycle parts....

T Minus 2 Days

2008-03-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

Now gettin' REAL excited at going to Africa. First picture received today of hillside in Rwanda where coffee grows now, and Jatropha has been planted. Today, I also talked with a lady from Uganda who lives here in Sacramento, and wants to put me in touch with her brother, who works in Uganda AMAZING !

This is the largest lake in the country, where apparently there's a posh resort that attracts socialites from all over the world. Its right near a usually-dormant volcano (!).

Survived the weekend!

2008-03-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

Boy are we happy mom's home again. We were pretty busy Sunday; church in the AM, clean the house and do the laundry in the afternoon, then a late afternoon visit to my friend Steve - The Reptile Man. The boys got to watch him bring his lizards out of hibernation and get fed rats, held a boa, played with a baby tarantula and a few rattlers (including a sidewinder - very cool) and even some exotic fish. Then back home to finish the laundry, prep for bed, and out went the lights. WHEW! This men's stuff weekend is exhausting!

2008-03-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

MEN STUFF ! Its what the boys are all about ! Time without women is time well spent. Sure, we miss mom a bunch, but that doesn't stop us guys from having fun. Lessee......last night we had pizza and chocolate chip cookies and played video games and watch a Garfield DVD. This morning, leftover pizza, cinammon rolls, more video games, and Meet The Robinsons DVD. Around 12:30, we decided to get dressed; I did the dishes, then joined the boys out in the driveway for some hoops - practice in advance of Alex's final game of the season. Boy did that work out just dandy....

A poor first half, with a last-second shot to get us to within 10 at 32-22. The coach rallied the team with a "keeper" of a pep talk: "You guys don't want to wait a year to get another win, do you?". And they came out firing on all cylinders. Alex played his best game of the year, drove the lane for a score once (pure instinct), then played the last 4+ minutes guarding their best player and shut him down totally (NO points). Final score: 60-46, and we finished the season 8-1-1, avenging our only loss this season against the team that beat us in the first game of the season. AWESOME ! Pizza party afterwards, awards, final comments, and smiles all around!
Tonight: no pizza (whew)...probably PB&J, or hot dogs, or maybe burgers somehwere.....and I think a trip to Baskin-Robbins is in the offing, too..... And tomorrow......we visit The Reptile Man !

Here's the Coach & one of the stars of his team....Alex Carlos!

Preparing for Africa

2008-02-29T04:30:00.000-08:00

This blog was created with a specific goal in mind - a place to communicate with my world as to my upcoming trip to Rwanda, Africa. With such a monumental excursion, naturally there are preparations in abundance. Like this weekend, for existence........
I asked my wife to allow me to maximize my time with my boys over the weekend, so she's accomodating me by leaving us, and heading off to Portland, OR for the weekend to be with her aunt and cousins. We seem to have this wonderful way of "trying to make things even" whenever possible; if I get to do something away from her and the boys, then she gets something in return. I think I'll have a few more of her long weekend escapes in my immediate future to make up for my 10 days of traveling......
Justin & Alex and I have a fun weekend planned, inclusive of pizza, videos, bowling, and who knows what else. At such a young age, the boys have learned about the importance of "men stuff", male-bonding at its finest, where we drink and smoke and cuss freely.........well, ok, we fart now and then and laugh a lot.....

The Family

2008-02-27T20:06:00.000-08:00

Its only appropriate that my family get front & center on this blog.....Cori is the absolutely gorgeous and phenomenal wife, mother to Alex (10) and Justin (7). Also shown are my folks (Walt and Eve) and my sister (Linda).

Toastmasters International

2008-02-27T14:19:00.001-08:00

I'm a long-time member of Toastmasters International, having achieved the status of Distinguished Toastmaster. I am currently Area 54 Governor, responsible for five TM clubs, and about 100 members.

Day 1 of my Blog

2008-02-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

OK...so now I enter into another chapter of my life's walk with technology, taking my plunge into the world of Blogs, and creating a method for communicating with "my" world, allowing family and friends to catch up with me and all that I choose to share with them. I will start soon to publish thoughts and pictures, and certainly use this technology while I travel to Africa in less than two weeks.