Hitting the Wall

I'm absolutely DESPERATE! I quit! I'm fed up to 'here' ! I'm spent! F**k the world !

OK, so even typing it out doesn't help. I've hit the, or at least a, wall. The proverbial wall. What (or where) is proverbial anyway? And how many times will I return to this spot in the future? That alone scares the crap out of me.

It happens. Shit happens. Or, in my case, the roller coaster of life, the ups and downs of every day, the reality of all that is challenging to me, seemingly now has the upper hand. My inner defenses and usually bottomless capability of "dealing with it" has left me.

No, I'm not having a nervous breakdown. I don't think I have a feeling of nervousness - more of a feeling of pending dispair. I suppose I'm staring to live in fear instead of in faith - and that may be the source factor in all that I'm experiencing at this moment.

Yep, its happened before, once, maybe twice. But this feeling of insurmountable odds, being squeezed from all sides, feeling like what little control I might have had is now gone, and the inner coping sense that has always served me well is now on hiatus, and I feel naked to the world, displaying all my insecurities, inabilities, incapability, weaknesses, deficiencies, and more.

For weeks now, I've shared with my wife that I'm struggling just to get through each day. By the end of a typical work day, I am literally, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, wanting only to eat a bit and then go to sleep. I awake somewhat refreshed and rejuvenated - thank God I can still sleep like the proverbial log - and it begins all over again. This cycle of instability has gotten old pretty fast, and now its time to do something about it.

I've never given in to this weakness before, but maybe at this age, at this time in my life, at this junction of work/family/life, I have realized this combination is like none other before, and I am about to succumbed to that dreaded"only way out" that is always available to me - medicine.

In this case, that decision to turn to medicine comes with its own weight. My medicinal provider? Kaiser. Enough said............except that I know from having heard it from others - with Kaiser, its not only what THEY discover, but what I choose to tell them at the beginning. So as I prepare for my visit, the only thought that runs through my head is that I will be copping out, succumbing, giving in, and (alas) taking advantage of what only a medical provider can provide - a way out. I'm about to claim stress and the inability to cope, talk about my "feelings" (both mental & emotional), and how my body is now reacting in a physical way. All with one goal in mind - time off to chill.

I believe I simply need a break from my routine. I believe a week or two will serve me well, allow me to get my head on straight, my defense mechanism restored, my inner strength renewed, and my attitude adjusted. I'm not looking for drugs (been there, done that, most of my adult life) - in fact, I'm hoping to avoid anything in the way of mood levelers. A week or two off will allow me to get into a regimen of diet & exercise, reading, writing, and who knows what else.

One things for sure: this eternal optimist, who's glass has always been half full, who has always been able to find a positive amidst a host of negatives, who can always laugh at life as well as at myself - simply can't right now. Hence the need to do something about it....