No Regrets?

We all want the life that allows us, typically on our death bed, to experience a sense of "no regrets". This feeling is what drives many people, while others haven't a clue about this as an end goal. To me, the sense of feeling no regrets is not literal, but more general; I would want to feel a life of minimal regrets, far overshadowed by feelings of satisfaction attained in a variety of ways.

As humans, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes we learn from, while other mistakes are repeated continuously, usually in different forms, so as to mask the reality of repetition. For example, as a child, we learn through more than one method; while one might be told something, and might even see something, it was only when that something is experienced that it is truly learned. Probably the best example is extremes of heat - like fire; a child can be told it will hurt if you touch it, and might even see something burn, but until the fingers are singed, there is no real knowledge that takes place. In other words, it has to hurt to sink in.

Eventually, many lessons in life don't require the experiential factor to be accepted by the human mind. We learn "things" in classrooms throughout our early lives, and learn to judge credibility and importance not only by the "thing" that is being taught, but by who is doing the teaching. The brightness of the light bulbs that go on in our heads is directly proportional to the person flipping the switch. My best learning was done through teachers who motivated me, usually because they made light bulbs of awareness and significance go off, and I then craved more and paid more attention.

Not to be an expert on this subject, but certainly there is logic for me in this as I review my life and its learning experiences. When I have been motivated to learn, when I have been inspired by a teacher, and definitely when I have a goal in mind which is dependent on learning, then I learn. This reality for me is so clear today as I reflect back on my life, and has manifested itself in so many ways - technology, relationships and my spiritual life are all very real examples to me. Yet, I have regrets……

Technology is so significant in my lifetime; the world is so different today than in my youth, and I have become not only a user of technology, but also a proponent, one who has sold it, installed it, taught others about it, and put it into practice to make the lives of others (mostly businesses) better because of it. My regrets are small, usually because that I have not done "enough"; not enough formal education or depth of knowledge, not enough breadth of knowledge, not enough applying the knowledge, not enough managing the knowledge. But I can offset the regrets easily, because there is no doubt I have many successes in my personal and professional life - including the knowledge of the computer and software I'm using at this very moment.

Relationships are a challenge to balance in the regret-satisfaction scale. I have had many, and not just the heterosexual ones. My friendships with men have been so significant, the brotherhood I've developed with a select few have become increasingly important and meaningful and satisfying. The intimate relationships with women, while plentiful (and I say that not in a boastful manner, but in one which is genuinely satisfying), have been ones which some would say have been more painful than necessary. Two failed marriages are offset by one which produced two incredible sons. Occasional one-night stands are offset by occasional multi-month relationships. And most importantly, interludes for purely sexual sake are offset by relationships which had no sex at all. Yet, there are certainly regrets for failures, for hurting others, for being so self-centered. These regrets evolve into guilt and remorse easily, and which are now a source of dilemma - for I wish to make amends as best I can.

My spiritual walk is one which is not so focused on regrets, as much as it is in gratitude. I know my God today. And that knowledge far outweighs any elements of depth or breadth or duration or significance or results. That He is with me, and always has been is a tremendous source of strength and hope. That I acknowledge Him with prayers - for certain, prayers of thankfulness for this incredibly rich and abundant life I lead - is very rewarding. I have not (yet) allowed myself to routinely pray for guidance, solutions, or anything else is tied directly to my feelings of unworthiness, for I realize I have not been the best I could be in His eyes, nor in mine, nor (I believe) in the minds of others. I have not yet come to believe fully that He accepts me as I am - warts and all, as my mother taught me at an early age; I know that He looks at me as a work in progress. I am starting to get comfortable with the idea that He is happy and satisfied that I am finally focused on continually improving myself, trying to remove my spiritual maladies and character defects. And if He's happy, then I suppose I should also be happy. So my regrets for "not enough" - not soon enough, not consistently enough, not strongly enough, etc. - are starting to be overcome by "finally" - at long last, I'm getting there, trying hard, consistent in my walk, and desperate and intentional on doing it this way until my last breadth.

So why am I writing this - now, or at all? I read something this morning, and it motivated me to think, which motivated me to share. In Alexander Green's "The Secret of Shelter Island", there's a short chapter on the Bucket List - creating your list of things to do before you kick the bucket. I've never done this before, but intend to do so now, and will share my bucket list in a future blog. But for now, it all ties to this theme of "no regrets"; for while I have not formally achieved or attained those items on my yet-to-be-written bucket list, it is very easy for me to look at my life and be satisfied by all that I have achieved and attained and experienced. I have indeed lived - lived a life of abundance and richness. The chapter refers to the meaning of "success", which people far more intelligent than I have tried to define for centuries. I come away from this chapter believing fully that "success" is a matter of opinion; one can be satisfied in their successes of life, or one can be dissatisfied for any number of reasons. I believe I will live the rest of my life trying to achieve this tilting of the scales more towards satisfaction than towards regret. I will never achieve the "no regrets" goal - for I already have them and always will; but I will work in earnest and consciously to minimize any new regrets.